May 1, 2011
Dear Diary,
My life sucks. I haven’t been able to leave my compound for years now, and I’m sick of all my videos. The Arabic satellite network so isn’t da bomb. They refuse to show any Friends re-runs without digitally rendered burkas on all the chicas, but I’ve got all the episodes of Omar and his Magic Jew-Butting Goat I can stand. The Pakistani ISP even started blocking Netflix and Hulu, so now I’ll never catch up on Glee. Will that Puckerman and Rachel ever get brutally murdered? Will Kurt ever be hanged? Will Sue finally become a martyr for her cause? I may never know.
And the fight isn’t going so well either. We ran out of ammonium nitrate months ago…and illegal fireworks. We’ve had to resort to bombs made with Coke and Mentos. Two of my European recruits were fatally wounded during bomb preparation, but the worst any infidels got was some stained clothing and mild bruising. Allah u akbar? Is it even worth it?
Hey, someone’s at the door. Maybe my Samoas have arrived. No wait, despite the militant uniforms, those don't appear to be Girl Scouts. It was about that time that I realized that they weren't Girl Scouts at all but a highly trained team of buff Navy SEALs with nightvision goggles.
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