Uncle Lactose’s Intolerant History for Urban Youths

Abraham Lincoln: America’s First Black President:

Contrary to popular lore, William Jefferson Clinton was not America’s first African-American President.  Let me tell you the secret history that has been covered up by ‘the man.’

Abraham Lincoln was born a poor black child.  He was the love child conceived of Thomas Jefferson and his house slave, Aunt Jemima.  Knowing the scandal that would ensue, the pregnancy and birth were kept secret.  Then, when little Abe was born, his parents were shocked to discover that he was as white as a little angel, an albino mulatto.  “Good lowdy, chile,” Aunt Jemima exclaimed.  “It is the chile that was foretold.  The chile that will free our people.”

“Then we will name him Charleton Heston,” proclaimed Mr. Jefferson.

“No,” pleaded Aunt Jemima.  “We must call him Toby.  Which means Kuunta Kintay in my native African.  But in the Virginian tongue, he will be known as Abraham.”

Fearing for the life of little Abraham, they smuggled him off to Harriet Beecher Stowe who took him on her underground subway train to Nebraska where he was raised in Uncle Tom’s cabin.  Uncle Tom trained him up to be a mighty President, training him both in the art of rhetoric and the chucking of spears.  He was a scholar and a warrior.  He truly became a man to bring balance to the forces of abolition and unite the races of America.  But as Uncle Tom watched the boy grow, he realized that even as an albino, he could not pass as white.  The eight inch ‘fro was a dead give away.  But there was power in the ‘fro, and it would not yield to comb or scissors or irons, so he stuffed it in a stovepipe hat.

So Abraham became the first African-American President, and the first thing he wanted to do was free the slaves.  But his cabinet said, “No.  You can’t free the slaves.  That would tear our nation apart.”

But Abraham, like all great Presidents, said, “Yes I can.  Americans are good and true.  They are too polite to fuss and fight.”  So he freed the slaves, and he was right.  There was a war, but it was a civil war, and America won again.  After the war, having completed his appointed task, Abraham faked his own death and moved to Kenya where he took up the way of the spear, becoming a great Zulu chieftan, and changed his name to Abraham Ngog!ne Obama, and the rest is history.

Horton Hires a Ho

One night in the land of Kara-magandy,

Horton was feeling a little bit randy.

Since his old lady ditched him for being a booger.

He slunk down to Ho-ville to find him some sugar.

But all the hos down in Ho-ville, the tall and the small

Weren’t to be seen walking the streets, not at all.

To Horton’s ill luck it had happened, you see,

He’d been beaten to town by Thing A through Thing Z.

The hos were all taken.  There were none left for him.

But who did he hear among the dark and the dim.

Why, it was little Cindy Lu Ho:

“Ten dollars a lay, or five for a blow.”

I have only one rule, and you’ll abide or get bent.

Protection’s required one-hundred percent.

For you see I once worked a convention of Sneetches.

They had come far and wide from their secluded beaches.

And whether plain-bellied or adorned with their stars,

Each Sneetch came to town with crabs upon thars.

You don’t want to be like those terrible Sneetches,

Plagued night and day by those fiery eetches.

So, I meant what I said, and I said what I meant.

Protection’s required one-hundred percent.

But I’m clean, pleaded Horton. You will see.  You will see.

There’s no need for worry.  You’ll catch nothing from me.

Oh no, said little Cindy, Many times I’ve heard that.

The last one I trusted was that Cat in the Hat.

And you see, that darn cat, he lied to me too.

Turns out he left behind germ 1 and germ 2.

Those germs were plain bad, and they played nasty tricks.

And the doc had to prescribe yucky antibiotics.

So, I meant what I said, and I said what I meant.

Protection’s required one hundred percent.

So unless you can find a less discriminating ho,

To the drug store with you.  Go, go, go, go, go, go!

But at the end of the alley was a transient named Moe.

He opened his jacket and had something to show.

He had Trojans aplenty.  All priced for him to buy.

Sizes: medium, large, extra large and OH MY!

Oh no, muttered Horton, these won’t fit at all.

A person’s a person, no matter how small.

Excuse me there, Moe.  I don’t mean to sound whiny.

But do you happen to have some a little more tiny?

Of course I do, lad, one size don’t fit all.

A person’s a person, no matter how small.

But I’ve something else here, that might do the trick,

And keep things from ending a little too quick.

If you want to have things get really intense,

This stimulating gel’s only ninety nine cents.

Horton grabbed the tube and paid him a dollar,

And ran back to Cindy Lu Ho with a holler.

You meant what you said, and you said what you meant.

I’m back with protection.  One hundred percent.

And he took care to remember before donning his hood,

That he got out the tube and lubed it real good.

Then what the heck, he lubed the inside for good measure.

Shoot, he’s paying her, why should she get the pleasure?

But then as he started, he found with a shout.

He found with a shout, that he couldn’t pull out.

He found he was stuck.

Stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck!

Then in the dark light he saw the print on the tube,

And it turns out, the lube in the tube was not lube.

The tube did not contain tube lube, it is true.

Instead of tube lube, it was super strong glue.

Oh dear, oh dear, Cindy said with a glower.

You understand in this case I'll have to charge by the hour.

Best get an ambulance quick.  There's no time for funning.

And remember, dear Horton, the meter is running.

And all the nurses and doctors within the ER

Exclaimed that the occurrence was very bizarre.

So bizarre that they called in the night camera crews,

And Horton’s bare butt made the national news.

So children, remember if you ever encounter a ho,

Be sure to take heed of Horton’s sad tale of woe.

And be sure to check all your tube labels with precision,

Unless you also want an extreme circumcision.

Remember, it’s best to just  say no, no, no, no, no,

But if you can’t, never buy from a transient named Moe.