Uncle Lactose’s Intolerant History for Urban Youths

Abraham Lincoln: America’s First Black President:

Contrary to popular lore, William Jefferson Clinton was not America’s first African-American President.  Let me tell you the secret history that has been covered up by ‘the man.’

Abraham Lincoln was born a poor black child.  He was the love child conceived of Thomas Jefferson and his house slave, Aunt Jemima.  Knowing the scandal that would ensue, the pregnancy and birth were kept secret.  Then, when little Abe was born, his parents were shocked to discover that he was as white as a little angel, an albino mulatto.  “Good lowdy, chile,” Aunt Jemima exclaimed.  “It is the chile that was foretold.  The chile that will free our people.”

“Then we will name him Charleton Heston,” proclaimed Mr. Jefferson.

“No,” pleaded Aunt Jemima.  “We must call him Toby.  Which means Kuunta Kintay in my native African.  But in the Virginian tongue, he will be known as Abraham.”

Fearing for the life of little Abraham, they smuggled him off to Harriet Beecher Stowe who took him on her underground subway train to Nebraska where he was raised in Uncle Tom’s cabin.  Uncle Tom trained him up to be a mighty President, training him both in the art of rhetoric and the chucking of spears.  He was a scholar and a warrior.  He truly became a man to bring balance to the forces of abolition and unite the races of America.  But as Uncle Tom watched the boy grow, he realized that even as an albino, he could not pass as white.  The eight inch ‘fro was a dead give away.  But there was power in the ‘fro, and it would not yield to comb or scissors or irons, so he stuffed it in a stovepipe hat.

So Abraham became the first African-American President, and the first thing he wanted to do was free the slaves.  But his cabinet said, “No.  You can’t free the slaves.  That would tear our nation apart.”

But Abraham, like all great Presidents, said, “Yes I can.  Americans are good and true.  They are too polite to fuss and fight.”  So he freed the slaves, and he was right.  There was a war, but it was a civil war, and America won again.  After the war, having completed his appointed task, Abraham faked his own death and moved to Kenya where he took up the way of the spear, becoming a great Zulu chieftan, and changed his name to Abraham Ngog!ne Obama, and the rest is history.