Been watchin’ that Foxy News Network, again, and was getting kinda tired of them showin’ too much of that Apprentice fella with the bad hair and not enough o’ that Megyn Kelly and Diane Falzone. And that Apprentice fella kept yammer’ on about how Mr. Obama was really a muslim born in Kenya or some such. Boy howdy, but I’m seriously tuckered out with this here rumor bout Obama. Boring. I reckon it’s high time we had some more interestin’ rumors about our fine Commander and Chief. Here’s some I’d a like to start. Spread them around real good now, ya hear.
NEW OBAMA RUMORS
· He met his wife at a family reunion.
· After watching Inception, he was overheard saying, “Didn’t Leonardo already die on the Titanic? I’m so confused.”
· Everything he knows about the economy he learned from losing at Monopoly.
· He’s been spending so much time on the golf course because he and Tiger Woods have secretly traded places. In 2012, they plan on selling the movie rights of their escapades to Warner Brothers.
· He has yet to wash his hand since he met Justin Beiber and Justin let him touch his hair.
· His foreign policy decisions are based upon the secret, coded messages he’s been receiving in the Craigslist escort advertisements.
· His much noted reliance upon teleprompters is just a ruse to cover up his functional illiteracy.
· He doesn’t believe in twelve step programs. He thinks they’re just for quitters.
· He’s never been seen in the same room as Rupaul. Coincidence?
· As a teenager, he wanted to be a Nascar driver, but, unable to distinguish left from right, he kept turning the wrong way.
· He spends most of his day hiding in the White House basement playing World of Warcraft. Unbeknownst to him, but knownst to us, his love interest in the game is played by Harry Reid.
· He’s not really black. He just dressed up as Al Jolson one Halloween and really fell in love with the look.
· He can talk to plants, but most plants refuse to acknowledge him.
· Often confusing his Midwestern and Middle East policies, he almost ordered a bombing raid on an Omaha strip mall.
· He likes his violence like he likes his beer….domestic.
· For the first three months of his term, he kept pressuring Robert Gates to eliminate surfboarding at Gitmo.
· When asked if he’d ever snorted coke, he admitted that he had, but that he didn’t like it. The carbonation tickled his nose.
· His initial plan to reduce the federal deficit involved dedicating $500,000,000 of federal funds to buy up all the state lotto tickets.
· When asked to name his favorite historical heroine, he replied: Columbian Black Tar.
· He originally became a Democrat in an attempt to distance himself from his childhood nickname of Dumbo. Unbeknownst to him, he was also referred to as a braying jack a—behind his back.
· He wasn’t born at all but was made in the lab from the parts of lesser presidents.
· When reporters asked him about his progressive policies, he said he couldn’t stand that annoying lady in their commercials, but she was better than the alligator in the Geico ads. He personally used Allstate because they had a black spokesman who played a president on TV.
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