Dear Woman: The Manifesto of Conscious Men

In the name of Oprah, at last.  Some sisters in arms.  Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, tell me this isn’t some cruel, sly onion-esque style joke.  Finally, some sensitive, caring men upfront and ready to admit to all womyn that they are at last ready to assume their role of little girls in the new matriarchy.  They were all so cute and submissive, I just wanted to squeeze them to death.  It was like they’d hooked themselves up to some sort of special dialysis machine that sucked the testosterone right out of them.  Hurrah!

I’m so excited, I’m announcing right now that I’m starting a seminar so we can all learn to follow these fine, fine examples into our new and well deserved roles in society.  Come one, come all.  We’ll be meeting in the break room at Babinski’s all day Saturday, and don’t be shy about bringing some of those beefy, meat-headed friends of yours that need a good dose of sensitizing.   By the end of the day we’ll have them fondling their inner women like gangbusters.  The topics for this weekend will be as follows:

Masculinity: Is it Really Just a Hormone Imbalance?

Modern Man: Stale Roles and Tight Buns

Why Men Don’t Touch

Mascara: It’s Not Just For Eyelashes Anymore

Size Does Matter.  (The Size of Your Heart, Silly)

A Beginner’s Guide to Bubble Baths

Emotions, Myth or Reality

Uterus Envy: Is it Okay to Want to Have a Womb?

Wonder Woman: Objectification of Women Personified or Inevitable Evolutionary Pinnacle

Freud Debunked: Deconstructing our Inner Phallus

Why Can’t I Lactate Too?

Exterior Decorating for the Body, Interior Decorating for the Soul: A Guide to Looking and Feeling Fabulous

Stylish Pumps for Any Occasion

Twilight: I am My Own Edward

Partners in Conflict: The Politics of Gender, Sexuality and Labor in the Chiliean Agrarian Reform

Radical Feminist Critiques of Third Wave Feminsism, Postmodernism and Game Theory