Shame on you Mr. Ryan

Oooooooo, but Paul Ryan’s budget proposal just makes me so hopping mad I could scream.  OMGosh and for the love of Tyra, how could he possibly expect us to take him seriously dressed like that.  I didn’t know that the Dollar Tree had a clothing section. Mannequins have committed seppuku when forced to don such an atrocity.  Drabulous!  Oh, and that hair.  Can you say Flowbee?  If that hairdo was the result of the special Senate Barbershop, then I’m all for cutting that right out of the budget, honey.  I’d rather see my tax dollars spent on an eighteen part Napoleon Dynamite mini series.  OMGosh, the stylist for that film ought to be strung up by his willy and flogged.  I tried to sand away the images, but they just won’t go away. 

But anyway, we must stop this Pauline insanity.  Our fashion future depends upon it.  No matter how dreamy that luscious, chocolate President of a man is (I bet he uses the Shake Weight every night), his laundry list of talking points just isn’t going to cut it this time.  Think much more apocalyptic, and spread the word.  I have seen the future, girlfriends, and the passage of the Ryan budget will surely cause the following:

·         The return of the beehive hairdo.

·         People will be seen wearing white after Labor Day.

·         Uggs will be banned.

·         All newborn puppies will die.

·         Salonists will spontaneously combust.

·         Instead of being cancelled, Glenn Beck’s TV show will be broadcast 24 hours a day on Logo, HGTV and the Fashion Network.

·         Handicapped children will be put in the stocks and laughed at mercilessly.

·         Gossip Girls will be cancelled and replaced with reruns of The Dukes of Hazard and Grizzly Addams.

·         Rebecca Black will be commissioned to write songs for each day of the week and all major holidays.  They will be broadcast nonstop from roving governmental blimps.

·         Physicians will form bands of roving death squads to execute anyone who  doesn’t have health insurance.

·         The Bush family will hide in your closet at night and come out to steal your breath while you sleep.

·         Poor people will be killed, broken down into their component chemicals and made into cheap homespun fabric to be worn by the wealthy.

·         Global warming will cause the entire Jersey Shore to become submerged in the ocean.  Surviving Jersey Shorites will be free to spread throughout the rest of the country, endangering us all with their nearly fatal Jersey virus, termed by scientists Douchivine Spongiform Encephalopathy (DSE), or, colloquially, Mad Douchebag Disease.

·         Flowbee use will be mandatory throughout all the contiguous 48 states and Alaska and Hawaii.

·         Senior citizens will be left out at night as prey to assuage the starving polar bears that have fled from the melting ice caps.

·         Dick Cheney will win the presidential election in 2012, and during his acceptance speech he will finally announce that he is indeed Lucifer.  But since the Republicans will have a majority in the Senate, attempts to impeach him will be futile.

·         And last of all, if this passes, we, the fabulously enlightened, will never stop whining and whining and whining……