Darth Bubba: You Might be a Progressive if....

Consarn it, but them know it all progressives in Chicago is at it again. Now they've gone and made it illegal for kids to bring their own lunches to school. Parents can't not have a say in what their own younguns get to eat for lunch. I don't rightly member exactly what clause in the Constitution gives the burrocrats this kind o' authority. I kinda reckon its time to gets them progressive folk out of the seat o' power and relocate them all to San Fransisco and they can have the hippies dictate to them to their hearts content. But first, I reckon, we needs to elucidate just exactly who needs to go. I gone and developed a test to see if you might be a progressive. Take the test and pass it along to your guvment folks so's we can see who exactly needs a boot to the head. This in on the honor system. If you happen to take the test and dicover yourself to be a progressive, then give yourself a boot to the head on my behalf.

1) Bob has 9 candy bars, and Billy has one apple. How many candy bars should Billy
be allowed to confiscate from Bob?

2) Billy sees Bob eating something that Billy considers to be unhealthy. Billy
should:
a) Inform Bob of the repercussions of his unhealthy choice.
b) Destroy the unhealthy food.
c) Call the cops.
d) Force Bob’s parents to take a government sanctioned remedial
parenting/nutrition class.
e) All of the above

3) True or False – The Constitution should never apply as long as your idea is a
really good one.

4) True or False – As a general rule, people are too stupid and/or evil to be
trusted with freedom.

5) True or False – Human nature can be changed and utopia established by government
edict.

6) While running, little Sally tripped on the sidewalk and scraped her knees, hands
and forehead. The correct government response to this would be:
a) Establish the neighborhood as a ‘Run-free’ zone.
b) Retrofit all sidewalks with a six inch thick coating of space age safety
foam.
c) Require all children be equipped with child safety body armor before they
can go outside.
d) By government fiat, reduce gravity to a safe 1/6th of earth normal.

7) True or False – Most people prefer the relaxing, stress-free existence that would
be afforded to them when their moral and intellectual betters make all the hard
day-to-day choices for them.

8) If a child wears a Christian symbol to school or is caught praying or saying
anything positive about religion, the child should be:
a) Crucified
b) Stoned
c) Flogged
d) Burned at the stake
e) All of the above

9) Sex education up to and including proper technique and the location of the G-spot
should begin in:
a) Kindergarten
b) Preschool

10) True or False – The government should be allowed to confiscate any private
property or resources it wishes so long as the government feels it could put
them to better use.

Bonus: What is the best way to combat global warming:
a) Collect all flatus from both animals and humans in certified containers
and then launch the harmful methane into outer space.
b) Install mandatory CO2 detectors into everyone’s mouths and nostrils. Tax
them based upon how much carbon dioxide they exhale over the recommended
daily allowance.
c) Make volcanoes illegal.
d) Outlaw all carbonated beverages.
e) All of the above