Sorry I've been remiss to provide updates of Lactose's status. We've been too depressed. They've had Lactose on suicide watch. We still haven't been able to come to terms with this. First Lactose loses his butt, and now this. Oprah, why hast thou forsaken us? You have left us all alone during this our time of great distress. If you had died, we could have dealt with it, and maybe we could have used your butt as Lactose's new donor, but to just walk away and abandon us during the prime of your life? Why? Why? We heard that you were having a contest to select 100 fans to be buried with you in your grand tomb when you pass on, and that cheered us up a bit. But then your press agent told us it was all a hoax. Why? Why? Oprah, why not let us spend the eternities with you? We've destroyed the Carrie bobblehead. We will have no one else beside you. We beseech you.
But anyway, on with the update. The donor butt that rejected Lactose has been removed. His medical insurance coverage has been maxed out, so we can't even afford the Joy Behar model artificial butt to replace it. I stuffed two bags worth of marshmallows in a flesh tone tarp and super-glued it in place, but its just not the same. And it tends to take on a lot of water in the gen pop showers. Makes it sag down nearly to the back of his knees. Takes hours to dry out, and he never can get the shape right again. No one even gives him a second glance in the showers. I'm not sure he can live with this. I'm not sure I can live with this. He needs a better tuckus. Donations would be appreciated. They're tax deductible.
But anyway again, his trial date is coming up next week. The government decided to try him as a citizen, so he won't be shipped off to Gitmo for now. We'll see how it goes. I'll keep you posted.
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