Bin Laden's Diary Part 5

August 11, 2007

Dear Diary,

Achmedinejad is getting on my nerves even more. He’s insisting that I host him for a few days here in Pakistan. The hidden imam compels me, or some crap like that. He’s still trying to sell me on his 6 step plan for martyrdom or whatever he’s calling that cluster-crap business model he keeps e-mailing me that keeps getting filtered straight to my ‘Dispose of this stupid craptastic Shiite crap immediately’ folder. Thank you, MSN.

Since I never responded to his spam, he sent this scrawny fellow directly to me with a hand-written request that I welcome him to my home for a presentation. Then he tacked on a rider with a list of demands regarding his accommodations and dressing room and Shiite. The guy must think he’s Katie freakin’ Perry or Lady Googoo Achmed or something. I mean, Mohammed H. Prophet. Check out some of the stuff he wants.

• One 24 ounce bottle of Johnson and Johnson’s Baby Oil, 24 white roses and a baby seal
• Unlimited falafel. Must be cooked in lard
• A variety of tin foil hats. Must be made of real tin foil, not the Reynold’s American substitute that was designed by the CIA to allow the transmission of mind control rays.
• Shakira
• One pack of men’s athletic socks
• All items in the room must be covered in clear plastic wrap to be removed only by the artist
• No toy robots are to be allowed on the premises or he will not perform
• One small rhesus monkey skeleton
• Lots of fish ice
• Three jewish princesses
• A scrying device
• No MSG
• The first three seasons of Sesame Street in a betamax format
• Jack Bauer’s head on a platter

Allah forgive me, but I’m hoping some SEALS take him out soon.

August 12, 2007

Dear Diary,

I just returned Achmedinejad’s messenger to him by UPS ground. I really like their ‘If it fits in the box it ships for only $9.99’ policy. We’ll see if Achmedinejad shows up next week or not. He’s a little guy. I bet he’d fit in the $6.99 box.

Bin Laden's Diary Part 3

November 16, 2006

Dear Diary,

Achmedinejad is really becoming a giant pain in my sphincter.  I thought it was bad after we made the huge mistake of telling him he was all glowy while he was speaking at the UN.  We were just kidding. It was a joke, but he took it all serious.  Then he was all like, follow me, do things in my name, I'm one of the nails of the hidden imam, beeyatches.  And I was like, whatever.  Stupid Shiite!

But it seems he's got way too much time on his hands, and he's gone back to get a business degree online at Stephens Henager.  You know that old saying?  I'm pretty sure it's from Sura 37 or one of the hadiths.  I'm not sure. I never could make it past Sura 14 (snooze-o-rama).  Anyway, you know that old saying: If the only tool you have is a hammer, all your problems look like kneecaps.  Well, Achmedinejad has really grasped the goat by the ears.  Now he's all, six sigma this, and TQM that, and I just want to bury him up to his neck and hurl copies of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People at him until dead.

I've been getting about a dozen e-mails from him a day pressuring me to come to Iran and attend his Jihadi Management Training Seminar.  Get a load of his introduction.

“My muhajedeen,to break through the strategic gap, we have to level-set all associates to tee-up a flat, service-focused organizational paradigm with benchmarks for long range results.”

Then he tries to entice me with his basic Six Point Roadmap to Paradise.

1. Develop Skill-Set Synergies For Expelling the Kaffir from Mesopotamia.
2. Implement Adaptive Win-Win Map For Scalable ‘Bleeding Edge’ Regional Caliphate
3. Get Strategic Buy-in Aligned with Mission-Oriented Objectives To Break Down Intra-Regional Martyr Projections
4. Champion Mission-Critical Value Statements For Dis-Implementing Zionist pig-dogs
5. Pareto-ize for Stakeholder-Focused Global Sharia Capabilities and ISO 9000 Implementation.
6. Build Mindshare with the Masses with Six-Sigma QC Beheading Processes

Then he attached 78 powerpoint slides of this crap that made me want to volunteer for my own martyrdom just to end the misery. 

Then he sent me instruction about how to develop my recruits with team building activities involving seeing which team can build the largest bridge from a bag of popsicle sticks, matches, scented candles and styrofoam balls.  Just how in the name of Prophet's Brother does this help us restore the caliphate?  Makes me want to march down to Tehran and go full Medina on this retard. 

November 17, 2006

Dear Diary,

To appease Achmedinejad, I do need Iran's support afterall, I tried out his team building exercise.  It was a bloodbath.  There was a lot of ululating.  Team Falcon won. I'm going to need about 16 more recruits now.  Stupid Shiite!