August 11, 2007
Dear Diary,
Achmedinejad is getting on my nerves even more. He’s insisting that I host him for a few days here in Pakistan. The hidden imam compels me, or some crap like that. He’s still trying to sell me on his 6 step plan for martyrdom or whatever he’s calling that cluster-crap business model he keeps e-mailing me that keeps getting filtered straight to my ‘Dispose of this stupid craptastic Shiite crap immediately’ folder. Thank you, MSN.
Since I never responded to his spam, he sent this scrawny fellow directly to me with a hand-written request that I welcome him to my home for a presentation. Then he tacked on a rider with a list of demands regarding his accommodations and dressing room and Shiite. The guy must think he’s Katie freakin’ Perry or Lady Googoo Achmed or something. I mean, Mohammed H. Prophet. Check out some of the stuff he wants.
• One 24 ounce bottle of Johnson and Johnson’s Baby Oil, 24 white roses and a baby seal
• Unlimited falafel. Must be cooked in lard
• A variety of tin foil hats. Must be made of real tin foil, not the Reynold’s American substitute that was designed by the CIA to allow the transmission of mind control rays.
• Shakira
• One pack of men’s athletic socks
• All items in the room must be covered in clear plastic wrap to be removed only by the artist
• No toy robots are to be allowed on the premises or he will not perform
• One small rhesus monkey skeleton
• Lots of fish ice
• Three jewish princesses
• A scrying device
• No MSG
• The first three seasons of Sesame Street in a betamax format
• Jack Bauer’s head on a platter
Allah forgive me, but I’m hoping some SEALS take him out soon.
August 12, 2007
Dear Diary,
I just returned Achmedinejad’s messenger to him by UPS ground. I really like their ‘If it fits in the box it ships for only $9.99’ policy. We’ll see if Achmedinejad shows up next week or not. He’s a little guy. I bet he’d fit in the $6.99 box.
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