Lactose the Intolerant's Guide to Interior Design, Prison Edition

This place is soooo depressing.  I can't get any of my product.  That Red fella who's supposed to be able to smuggle us in anything was all like, Vidal what???  Frosted tips???  Huh?  And don't you know, Proactive won't even ship to this place, honey.  And the yard doesn't even have any pilates chairs.  I mean, hello, warden.  This isn't 1969.  Anyway, I look absolutely hideous.  I'm talking Amy Winehouse hideous.  I used to be so scintillatingly hot I needed welding goggles just to look at myself in the mirror.  Now I wish I were Edward Cullen so I would never have to see myself again.  And I so used to be Team 'Guy who almost hit Bella with an SUV.'  Those films would be so much more interesting without that boring, little angst ridden tramp and her trampy friends.  Then the simmering passion between fang-boy and the wolf could really heat up.  Oh, dear, sweet Oprah, but the depths to which I have sunk and the rapidity of the decline surprises even myself.

I turned around the mirror in the cell and tried to forget, but then lunchtime rolled around.  Sloppy joes, baked beans, this yellowy stuff with an unappealing jiggle (I mean, is jiggle ever appealing, darlings?).  There was no unifying theme here.  I didn't even know whether I should ask for white wine or red.  And where was the palette-cleanser?  Or the cheese course?

To get my mind off it all, I've decided to get back to one of the things I love: critical interior design.  Just check out the bedroom above, girlfriends.  Seriously, honeys, could any of you ever sleep in those beds?  I'd be far too petrified that in the middle of the night I'd be sucked away never to be seen again into the horrifyingly, fantastical land of the headboard, a magical world with all of the creature comforts of the dark ages.  Hello, people?  Is this anyone's twisted fantasy?  No antiperspirant, no mouthwash, soap made from boiling animal remains with caustic lye without modern cosmeceutical additives.  Like I said....oh, I just can't get into this right now.  Not in the mood.  My butt hurts.  And I'm feeling ever so faint......

Thud.