Once more I have beaten the mainstream media to the scoop. On account of all my redneck friends what are in the army, I've got my hands on Bin Laden's last will and testament. We've gone and done translated it from squiggly into normal language, and are presenting it now for your perusal. Remember, you heard it here first.
To my firstborn son I leave my treasures that are most worthy to help him learn how to rain death upon the Great Satan: Grand Theft Auto, my Tyco Flight Simulator and my Fisher Price My First Airplane, though I have lost the pilot.
To my youngest son I leave my entire video collection composed of the Great Satan’s Greatest Satanic Cinematic Hits: Granny Fannies 1 through 7, Mustached Madams, Beach Blanket Bingo, The Godfather Part 3 and Gigli. I hope and pray that these bring you as much pleasure and hatred toward the Great Satan as they have for me.
To my youngest wife I leave my Sweatin’ to the Oldies collection. You remember when you asked me if that burka made your butt look fat. I lied.
To my first wife I leave my commemorative ‘Joanie Loves Chachi’ down comforter. Treat it with love and color safe bleach. It is stained with many memories.
To my middle son I leave my camo-print Snuggie. May it keep you as warm and safe in battle against the Great Satan as it did for me. I could clean my gun while staying wrapped in its loving embrace. I hope I was not wearing this when I kicked it.
To my daughters I leave my McDonalds Happy Meal Toy collection and my Beanie Babies. Always remember that these were wrought in the bowels of the Great Satan.
To my second son I leave my blue cardigan that was a 9/11 gift to me from Achmedinejad. If it becomes stained with the blood of the infidels, dry clean only, please.
To son number four, I leave my copy of Mein Kampf autographed by my good friend and fellow conspirator, Saddam Hussein. He signed it: Here’s looking at jew kid. Saddam was such a hoot.
Lastly, to my goat I leave my collection of half-eaten Big Macs in the old school styrofoam containers. Eat them, my friend. Eat them with your pretty goat mouth.
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