It's a Butt-astrophe!

Lactose is still in hospital, and he is depressed.  He hates his new butt.  The color’s all wrong.  Clashes with all his short shorts, especially the pastels.  To quote Lactose: “From behind it looks like I’m sporting low riding, dirty, brown granny panties.  This is SO not fabulous.  I feel like such a Frankenhieney!  Curse you, you filthy Scandi!  Oh, Tyra and Mrs. J, why have you forsaken me?”

The doctors had some good news, though.  The plastic surgery department here is one of the best in the nation, and they had a new machine.  They call it the Jackson-2000 Skin De-pigmentizer.  They said it could turn his chocolate brown bottom back to its pale caucasian hues.  He was so hopeful, but just as they were beginning the treatment, disaster struck.

Remember Christine O’Donnell?  That dreadful Tea Party person who said she used to dabble in witchcraft.  Well, she lied.  She didn’t used to dabble in witchcraft.  She’s a full blown Wicked Witch of the Right.  Without warning, she and her minions spirited themselves right into the De-pigmentizing room and absconded with the Jackson-2000.  Right during the middle of Lactose’s first session.  Now, there’s only a little patch of white on his left cheek, taunting us with its sweet, sweet pinkness, like a sad, lonely honky lost in Harlem.

But that’s not the worst of it.  Like all self-respecting, evil megalomaniacs, the witch informed us of her diabolical plans before stealing our hopes and dreams of a normal future.  They’re going to spirit themselves and the Jackson-2000 into the White House and rip from our dear, sweet President the only thing he has going for him: His Blackness.  They’re planning on leaving him a broken, white, cracker of a man without any victim status to cling to.

As she told us of her plans, the Witch was cackling with glee.  “Free at last,” she peeled.  “Free at last.  Free at last to criticize Obama’s policies without being accused of being a racist.”  Her maniacal laughter haunts me still.

And the worst part was that she was right.  She was so very right.  His policies can’t be supported through logic, reason or common sense.  Charges of racism against the opposition were our only possible recourse.  He’s doomed.  We’re doomed.

I tried calling the White House, but they won’t listen.  I’m afraid it may already be too late.

Scooby Doo, where are you?  If you’re out there, we need you now.

Mr. Whedon, this is a big bad!  Help us!  What would Buffy do?

Lt. Dangle?  Anyone?  Someone do something!

Calgon, take me away!