Lactose's Legal Defense Fund Part 3

Gentlemen, don't you love going to the mall or the superstore with your wife or girlfriend or significant other and trying on clothes and browsing through the houseware aisles carressing towels and draperies and knick knacks. Yeah, me neither. Fortunately, our expert team of sociologists has devised a system to end your suffering. If you simply follow our multiple step program, it is guaranteed that your significant other will be too embarrassed to take you out in public again, and, if you excel at the program, you may be rewarded with a lifetime ban from the establishments you frequented. What follows is a small taste of what awaits you in the full program.

1) Always bring along some candy in a large duffle bag. Approach all children and tell them if they want some candy, all they have to do is climb into the bag and get some.

2a) Take all the tubes of Preparation H from the shelf and slip them individually into other patrons carts when they aren't looking.

2b) Remove all the tubes of Preparation H and Crest from their boxes. Then repack the Prepartion H in the Crest boxes and vice versa.

3) Try on clothing without using the dressing room.

4) Set all the alarm clocks in the store to go off at five minute intervals.

5) Ask the staff and patrons if they know which saws, hammers and drills are best suited for bone.

6) Pretend to be a salesman and divert all customers to the nearest competing store telling them that you just discovered that this store supports terrorism.

7) Prowl around the dressing rooms, and whenever someone emerges to check themselves out in the mirror, mumble, "Of course it makes you look fat. You are fat."

8) Grab a couple of bras and wander around the lingerie section, asking each of the patrons, "Which of these do you think will fit me best... 44A or 44B. A or B. A or B. You can touch me if it will help you decide."

9a) Wander around the maternity section. Approach pregnant patron and say, "I think I might be the father of your child. Here's some DNA for a paternity test," and then spit on her shoe.

9b) (Our reserachers determined that this variation of the approach was particularly effective on Walmart patrons). Wander around the maternity section. Approach pregnant patron and say, "I don't think you are the mother of your unborn child. Can I have some DNA for a maternity test?" and then go for the smooch.

10) Go into one of the dressing rooms. When you hear someone pass, stick your hand out from under the door and ask, "Excuse me. Can you spare a square? Quick, does anyone have a square to spare?"

11) Hide in the middle of a carousel clothing rack. When you hear someone approach cry out, "Try me on for size. Oh please try me on."

To obtain the entire, guaranteed Banned For Life program, merely send $150 or a compromising photo of your significant other to:

Lactose's Legal Defense Fund
The Van Under the Overpass Down by the River
Madison, WI 78047