Do you suffer from heart disease, toenail fungus, chronic back pain, halitosis, excessive body odor, alcoholism, anal fissures, ulcers, depression, bipolar disorder or any other physical or psychological ailment? Our select team of specialists would like to help you. By combining the ancient arts of acupuncture and chiropractic, the best of modern medicine and psychiatry and the power of voodoo, our team can help you from the comfort of your own home. With the proper materials, we will construct a voodoo doll in your image, and our team of specialists will use it to control, I mean manipulate, I mean perform the requisite spinal adjustments, acupuncture or medical and psychological treatments remotely. We will treat any condition for a mere $99.95. Just send payment along with samples of hair, toenail clippings and three bodily fluids to:
Lactose's Legal Defense Fund
Lactose's Legal Defense Fund
The Van Under the Overpass Down by the River
Farmington, Utah 84025
Or payments may also be transferred directly to our account in the Cayman Islands. Call 011-8999-86754-28374, and ask for Guido.
What are you waiting for? Pervert the black practice of voodoo and use it for good.
Note: You privacy is very important to us. Under no circumstances will your DNA be used to conduct bizarre genetic experiments, to breed my army of loyal ape-man slaves or to create the perfect woman in the laboratory. Nor will it be used to frame you for a crime you didn't commit. Really, you can trust us.
PS No fatties.
PPS Have you ever been convicted of a felony? Is your information already stored within the national criminal database? You may qualify for our special repeat offender discount. Call for information.
Farmington, Utah 84025
Or payments may also be transferred directly to our account in the Cayman Islands. Call 011-8999-86754-28374, and ask for Guido.
What are you waiting for? Pervert the black practice of voodoo and use it for good.
Note: You privacy is very important to us. Under no circumstances will your DNA be used to conduct bizarre genetic experiments, to breed my army of loyal ape-man slaves or to create the perfect woman in the laboratory. Nor will it be used to frame you for a crime you didn't commit. Really, you can trust us.
PS No fatties.
PPS Have you ever been convicted of a felony? Is your information already stored within the national criminal database? You may qualify for our special repeat offender discount. Call for information.
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