Darth Bubba: Bin Laden's Laptop

Been translatin’ up the documents from the Osama compound might furiously.  This secret communiqué here seemed a might bit interesting.  Yall thought Osama was just hidin’ out the past 10 years plum scared to get on with his holy warrin’.  How wrong yall were, my doubtin’ skeptics.  We have uncovered on his laptop embedded in his digital copy of Hip-Hop Line Dancing an accountin’ of the plans he was still a-hatchin’ to bring ‘merica to its knees with his sleeper cells.  Truly he was still focused upon his goals like…. something that focuses.  Glance your peepers upon these and be glad they did not come to fruition. 

·         Call So You Think You Can Dance every week and vote for the least compelling performer.

·         In a highly coordinated attack upon the nation’s water supply, simultaneously pee in every reservoir.  Eat lots of asparagus the night before.

·         Lots of ‘Kick Me’ signs.

·         Wear only white after Labor Day.

·         Start going door-to-door to tell people about the Quran.

·         Toilet-paper the White House

·         In a highly coordinated plan to induce national suicide, simultaneously call radio stations every 30 minutes and request “I Was Born This Way.”

·         Watch Glee on the east coast feed and then tweet spoilers before it is broadcast in the west.

·         Lots of Facebook spam disguised as Osama death videos.

·         In a highly coordinated attack upon the nation’s children, simultaneously steal all the swing seats from the parks.

·         Sneak across the border, contribute nothing to society and leach off of the government.

·         Develop a case of bulimia.  Spend Ramadan in Vegas.  Between sundown and sunrise, suck the buffets dry, starting with the most expensive items.

·         Conduct a highly coordinated chemical weapons attack.   For a month, holy warriors do not bathe, change your clothing or eat anything except for beans.  Then spend the glorious day riding up and down in crowded elevators or in busy subway trains. 

·         No matter where you are or what you are doing, never stop whistling “Friday”.

·         Whenever you are in a public restroom, steal all the toilet paper and never flush. 

·         Only wash your hands for 10 seconds instead of the recommended 30.

·         Buy up all of the seats for the first weekend of Breaking Dawn and then don’t show up.

·         Vote Democrat.