Lactose's surgery has been deemed a success. He's conscious now, and they should be ready to move him out of intensive care any moment now.
He is truly blessed to live in a time of modern medical miracles. He has become the first recipient of a G.R.A.D. (Gluteus Rectal Assist Device), formally known as the Jarvik Badonkadonk-7 or the total artificial butt. Performs all the functions of a real butt, only its artificial. It's not intended to be a permanent replacement, but it will bridge the gap for him until a donor butt can be located. There were a number of models for him to choose from, but, fortunately, he had good medical coverage and was able to get the full Kardashian. Much better than that scrawny Portman design. Nothing to hold on to there at all.
Oh, but he's coming, apparently walking on his own and pressed upon by the members of the press. I can hear the slight whirring of the pistons that are propelling his new gluteus, and they are rippling the silicone casing ever so nicely. The passing of the flatus seemed ever so natural. Trailing behind him is his entourage pushing the cart holding the battery pack that powers his new butt. Overall, it's about the size of a volkswagon beetle. It will have to be his constant companion until a donor is located, but that's okay. Drape it with a nice, lacey divan, a few flowers, and it will hardly be noticeable as he sashays down the boulevard.
The press are asking him questions now, but he can't seem to answer. He's just mumbling. What is that, Dr.? Oh. His jaw has been wired shut. But I didn't think his jaw was injured. Oh, it wasn't. I understand. I've often wanted to wire his mouth shut too, I just didn't have the means or the anesthetic. Underterred, the rep from MSNBC is asking a question. "How is your quality of life? Two thumbs up for good."
Lactose is holding up two fingers, brandishing them, really, and they sure aren't thumbs. Brave hand gestures from a brave man.
I will keep you updated according to his progress.
No comments:
Post a Comment