Darth Bubba: Bin Laden's Diary Part 1

My army buddies have struck gold.  They’ve gone and done finded Osama’s diary midst the wreckage and goat dung of his bed chambers.  We’ll be translatin’ it into regular speak and postin’ it up here fors what you can glimpse into Osama’s inner most feelin’s.  Share his hopes and dreams.  Let us get to know the side of this man only his goats was privy to.  We'll be postin' it in parts as the translatin' is done.

November 13, 2006

Dear Diary,

I am surrounded by retards.  I mean, Mohammed H. Prophet, these new European recruits are plum useless.  What’s the last thing a French holy warrior says before seeing paradise?  “What does this button do?”   Kriminy, but most of them don’t make it three hundred yards past the baggage claim before kickin’ it, and nary a drop of infidel blood is spilt. 

Sent a new crew down to that girls school with a car bomb.  Six hours later, they’re back here completely unmartyred.  I was like OMG, guys, WTF?  And they were like, dude, we got lost and couldn’t find the school.  Can we have a martyr-mobile with a GPS?  I was like, whatever.  Achmed, give them your GPS.  On the way back to the car, they turned on the GPS to be greeted with a tinny, robotic voice saying:  “BLEAT!  Achmed.  BAAAAA!  You’re very good at turning me on.”  Most the newbies gathered around as they kept turning the GPS on and off and on and off again to hear the welcome greeting ad nauseum.  As they were yucking it up, they confused the car fob with the bomb fob.  Exploded the whole crop of new recruits.  Like I said.  Mohammed H. Prophet, I’m surrounded by retards.  I never thought I’d be wishing for more Syrians.  Allah, give me strength.

November 15, 2006

Dear Diary,

Been going over the Q4 expense reports, and we almost spent more on inkjet cartridges than on ammonium nitrate.   It’s all those long “I’m proud of your little martyr” letters I was sending to parents in Europe.  I liked to keep them personal.  I hate cold form letters, but it seems to be a financial necessity now.  Besides, I don’t know nothing about that last clutch of retards.  I’m thinking about switching to the following form letter.

"Dear Mr. and Mrs. _AL-FATIMA____:

Please find enclosed a Ziploc baggie containing the remains of your martyr  _TAROOQ____. Though he is now gamboling in paradise, his comrades and I will always remember him for his ___SAMMY DAVIS JR. IMPRESSION____. Thanks to his holy sacrifice, we are one step closer to __EXTERMINATING TEAM SATAN___.

Yours in Sharia,

Osama bin Laden