Bin Laden's Diary Part 8

December 13, 2003

Dear Diary,

Saddam must be getting a little bit bored and a lot bit insane. He keeps on bugging me on FB chat from his hidey rathole. Like I have time for his Shiite. Here’s a transcript of his latest.

SadH76: Hey dude. How’s it hanging?

OBL1: Like a donk, bro. SSDD.

SadH76: Have a lot of time to think. Designed a program for you to train up young recruits.

OBL1: ?

SadH76: Yeah. Like scouts for little martyrs. I’m working up merit badges and stuff.

SadH76: U know, standard skills: wife-beating, bomb construction, Sharia, field surgery, etc. I’m calling the group Jihadis Eliminating Western Society.

OBL1: U R aware the acronym would be JEWS?

SadH76: Duh. Not very optimal, huh?

SadH76: How about Crusading Heroes Raiding Israeli Society Today?

OBL1: Ok, now I know you’re goofing on me.

SadH76: HAHAHA. Can u smuggle me in some Doritos?

If I didn’t need his support? Wait a minute. I don’t. But I do still have Condi on speed dial…..

Bin Laden's Diary Part 3

November 16, 2006

Dear Diary,

Achmedinejad is really becoming a giant pain in my sphincter.  I thought it was bad after we made the huge mistake of telling him he was all glowy while he was speaking at the UN.  We were just kidding. It was a joke, but he took it all serious.  Then he was all like, follow me, do things in my name, I'm one of the nails of the hidden imam, beeyatches.  And I was like, whatever.  Stupid Shiite!

But it seems he's got way too much time on his hands, and he's gone back to get a business degree online at Stephens Henager.  You know that old saying?  I'm pretty sure it's from Sura 37 or one of the hadiths.  I'm not sure. I never could make it past Sura 14 (snooze-o-rama).  Anyway, you know that old saying: If the only tool you have is a hammer, all your problems look like kneecaps.  Well, Achmedinejad has really grasped the goat by the ears.  Now he's all, six sigma this, and TQM that, and I just want to bury him up to his neck and hurl copies of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People at him until dead.

I've been getting about a dozen e-mails from him a day pressuring me to come to Iran and attend his Jihadi Management Training Seminar.  Get a load of his introduction.

“My muhajedeen,to break through the strategic gap, we have to level-set all associates to tee-up a flat, service-focused organizational paradigm with benchmarks for long range results.”

Then he tries to entice me with his basic Six Point Roadmap to Paradise.

1. Develop Skill-Set Synergies For Expelling the Kaffir from Mesopotamia.
2. Implement Adaptive Win-Win Map For Scalable ‘Bleeding Edge’ Regional Caliphate
3. Get Strategic Buy-in Aligned with Mission-Oriented Objectives To Break Down Intra-Regional Martyr Projections
4. Champion Mission-Critical Value Statements For Dis-Implementing Zionist pig-dogs
5. Pareto-ize for Stakeholder-Focused Global Sharia Capabilities and ISO 9000 Implementation.
6. Build Mindshare with the Masses with Six-Sigma QC Beheading Processes

Then he attached 78 powerpoint slides of this crap that made me want to volunteer for my own martyrdom just to end the misery. 

Then he sent me instruction about how to develop my recruits with team building activities involving seeing which team can build the largest bridge from a bag of popsicle sticks, matches, scented candles and styrofoam balls.  Just how in the name of Prophet's Brother does this help us restore the caliphate?  Makes me want to march down to Tehran and go full Medina on this retard. 

November 17, 2006

Dear Diary,

To appease Achmedinejad, I do need Iran's support afterall, I tried out his team building exercise.  It was a bloodbath.  There was a lot of ululating.  Team Falcon won. I'm going to need about 16 more recruits now.  Stupid Shiite!

Darth Bubba: Bin Laden Breaking News

I reckon I got me a pretty big scoop right heres. Billy Jo's been lookin' round on that intertube thingie, and he's found a recordin' of what was goin' on inside the President's situation room during the Obama assault. He's gone and typed it up all nice, and here it is. Remember, you sawed it here first.



Obama: Which of those guys is me? My joystick isn’t working?

Hillary: That’s what she said.

Obama: What…

Biden: Nevermind.

Obama: I think I’ve got a bad connection. My joystick’s not controlling any of those people. Wait a minute, why are all these people here to watch me play Call of Duty?

Biden: They aren’t here to watch you play your games, sir.

Obama: Why not? I’m really good.

Biden: You just think that because you’re still in the tutorial. I’ve explained this to you for months. The real game doesn’t start until you get through the tutorial. And, we aren’t here to watch you play. This is a live feed from Navy SEALS who are going to storm Osama’s compound and kill him.

Obama: No! I’m too young to die!

Biden: Osama, sir. Not Obama. They are going to kill Osama. No one is trying to kill you yet. (Musing quietly: No one but me, anyway. President Biden at your service.)

Obama: Our names are just too similar. And we’re both muslim and hate America. I get us confused all the time.

Biden: We know, sir. Now, why don’t you let the adults talk, and we’ll get to you in a minute.

Obama: Wow, that looks just like a reality TV show. How do they do that?

Biden: They have tiny cameras on their helmets.

Obama: Cool. I want one of those. It would be nice for when Michelle and I are getting busy.

Hillary: So that’s why Bill has one of those! He never wore it around me.

Military Dude: You mean you don’t know.

Obama: I know. I know everything.

Hillary: Know what?

Military Dude: Well, we’d all assumed you’d given Bill consent. Eric Holder assured us, and Bill wasn’t getting many speaking engagements anymore.

Hillary: What are you saying?

Military Dude: Um, I’m not sure how to break this to you, Mrs. Clinton…..

Obama: (giggles)

Military Dude: I guess you should know. Go to www.whitehousehos.cigar.gov. Check the fourth page under the ‘My First Lady’ section. What? Like you all don’t have this in your favorites. It was a great icebreaker with Putin after she messed up that reset button gag.

Hillary: I thought we were to never speak of that again. Now hand me that laptop. (typing)

Obama (still fiddling with his joystick): Are you sure you can't rig it so my joystick controls one of the SEALS? And why is it all dark and stuff? Are you sure this feed is live? It’s the middle of the day now.

Biden: We’ve been through this before. Pakistan is on the other side of the world. It’s nighttime over there. That’s why we don’t let you prank call Musharraf during your lunchbreak anymore. He doesn’t like being woken up in the middle of the night so you can ask him about his refrigerator.

Woman at the back: Do they even have refrigerators in Pakistan?

Biden: Yes, they have refrigerators in Pakistan. They have nuclear weapons in Pakistan.

Obama: What, Pakistan has nuclear weapons? When did this happen?

Hillary: OMG, Bill is so dead! But wait, that can’t be. It is. Chelsea? And with Al? Is that Tipper? Oooo. Let me at him. I’ll warm his globe! (Storms out furiously)

Everyone in the room: (huddling around to watch Hillary’s laptop screen)

Bald Guy 2: Hey, turn up the volume.  This is the best part......Uh, or so I've heard.

Forty-five minutes later, the laptop battery runs out.

Biden: OK, back to Osama. Wait a minute. The screen’s gone black. Was anyone paying attention? Did we get him? Are the SEALS dead? What? I can’t believe this. This was a big effin’ deal.

Obama: Better check with Fox News. They’ll have the story right.