Bin Laden's Diary Part 8

December 13, 2003

Dear Diary,

Saddam must be getting a little bit bored and a lot bit insane. He keeps on bugging me on FB chat from his hidey rathole. Like I have time for his Shiite. Here’s a transcript of his latest.

SadH76: Hey dude. How’s it hanging?

OBL1: Like a donk, bro. SSDD.

SadH76: Have a lot of time to think. Designed a program for you to train up young recruits.

OBL1: ?

SadH76: Yeah. Like scouts for little martyrs. I’m working up merit badges and stuff.

SadH76: U know, standard skills: wife-beating, bomb construction, Sharia, field surgery, etc. I’m calling the group Jihadis Eliminating Western Society.

OBL1: U R aware the acronym would be JEWS?

SadH76: Duh. Not very optimal, huh?

SadH76: How about Crusading Heroes Raiding Israeli Society Today?

OBL1: Ok, now I know you’re goofing on me.

SadH76: HAHAHA. Can u smuggle me in some Doritos?

If I didn’t need his support? Wait a minute. I don’t. But I do still have Condi on speed dial…..

Bin Laden's Diary Part 7

December 15, 2005

Dear Diary,

Was hanging in Iraq today on account of its election day.  Had some plans to mess with Team Satan here and foment some higgledy-piggledy among the masses.  Felt I needed to be here in person to make sure these Iraqi retards I have working for me get the job done.  Should have just stayed in Pakistan.

Since those Team Satan jarheads have been making it way too hard to get car bombs through the checkpoints, Tarooq got himself a trained camel wired up with a little ammonium nitrate election present for the masses.  He and Shahid were going to walk it right down to election central and kablam!  Take out the whole voting district.  The blast would have painted the whole place purple.  If they had made it to their destination.  Stupid Iraqis.

Turns out last night, Shahid and Tarooq went on a little pre-martyrdom sin spree, so, on the way to the potential blast site, when their camel saw some pretty females and got a little frisky, they only felt it was fair to let the camel have its little sin spree too.  How do I know this?  That numbnut Tarooq took pictures with his cellphone of him and Shahid in front of the camel porn making unhallowed hand gestures and laughing and posted it to his FB page via his mobile. 

By itself, no big whoop.  But during his pre-martyrdom fling, Shahid got drunk and stupid and met an alleged girl named Aiesha.  He kissed the girl, and he liked it.  He liked it so much, he gave Aiesha his cellphone number.  The same cellphone that was wired to the trigger on the ammonium nitrate.  The same cellphone Aiesha dialed up right during the middle of camel passion. 

Body count
Camels: 2
Iraqtards: 2
Infidels: 0
Voters: 0
Number of total martyrs in paradise: 2 (My money is on the camels).

Allah, give me strength.   And less stupid recruits.  I'm looking for some just stupid enough to fall for martyrdom.

Lactose: Rejected

This is Julio.  Just taking a second to update you regarding Lactose's condition.  He was found unconscious in his cell a few minutes ago, and the doctor's are fairly perplexed.  They've never seen this before, but, apparently, his new butt transplant has rejected him. 

I'll keep you appraised of his condition as it changes.

Burn some incense to St. Carrie for him.

Lactose the Intolerant's Guide to Interior Design, Prison Edition

This place is soooo depressing.  I can't get any of my product.  That Red fella who's supposed to be able to smuggle us in anything was all like, Vidal what???  Frosted tips???  Huh?  And don't you know, Proactive won't even ship to this place, honey.  And the yard doesn't even have any pilates chairs.  I mean, hello, warden.  This isn't 1969.  Anyway, I look absolutely hideous.  I'm talking Amy Winehouse hideous.  I used to be so scintillatingly hot I needed welding goggles just to look at myself in the mirror.  Now I wish I were Edward Cullen so I would never have to see myself again.  And I so used to be Team 'Guy who almost hit Bella with an SUV.'  Those films would be so much more interesting without that boring, little angst ridden tramp and her trampy friends.  Then the simmering passion between fang-boy and the wolf could really heat up.  Oh, dear, sweet Oprah, but the depths to which I have sunk and the rapidity of the decline surprises even myself.

I turned around the mirror in the cell and tried to forget, but then lunchtime rolled around.  Sloppy joes, baked beans, this yellowy stuff with an unappealing jiggle (I mean, is jiggle ever appealing, darlings?).  There was no unifying theme here.  I didn't even know whether I should ask for white wine or red.  And where was the palette-cleanser?  Or the cheese course?

To get my mind off it all, I've decided to get back to one of the things I love: critical interior design.  Just check out the bedroom above, girlfriends.  Seriously, honeys, could any of you ever sleep in those beds?  I'd be far too petrified that in the middle of the night I'd be sucked away never to be seen again into the horrifyingly, fantastical land of the headboard, a magical world with all of the creature comforts of the dark ages.  Hello, people?  Is this anyone's twisted fantasy?  No antiperspirant, no mouthwash, soap made from boiling animal remains with caustic lye without modern cosmeceutical additives.  Like I said....oh, I just can't get into this right now.  Not in the mood.  My butt hurts.  And I'm feeling ever so faint......

Thud.

I'm Back, Mostly

Dr. Mengele, if that is his real name, has finally deemed me healed enough to be returned to gen pop.  The ICU was pretty solitary and dull, so I spent the time rewatching Oz so I can get the prison lingo down, homeys.  I'm part homey, now, so I can say that.  I also took the time to finally get around to starting my first novel.  It was Sex and the City.   FABULOUS!  Carrie and the gals are SOOO my sisters, now.  If I can just cling to those memories, they will help me through these cold, dark times.  When Julio heard about it, he got me a Carrie bobblehead.  I dubbed it St. Carrie of Assassi and put it next to my cot where I can genuflect to it nightly.  Sorry, Tyra, but there's a new girl in town.

Anyway, I almost got sent back to ICU.  I was going on my required walk to keep my new butt from deflating and flabbifying, when I felt the thrust of an unwelcome prick.  Stepped on a discarded hypodermic.  Shortly thereafter, I felt so drabulous I was sure I'd caught AIDS from that needle.  Turns out it was just hepatitis.  Praise Carrie, but what a relief.  I mean, who doesn't have hepatitis?  I'm pretty sure my hepatitis has hepatitis.

But anyway, I'm not sure how I will be able to survive in here.  No matter how bad the blankets were in the ICU, the ones down here in gen pop are soooo much more drabulous.  Not only are they not organic certified, not only are they not egyptian cotton, not only do they have no discernable thread count at all, but I don't think there's a shred of natural material in them.  Carrie help me, but I swear with every foul word known to man that the blankets are sewn from the skins of flayed muppets.  I can't spend the rest of my life sleeping with Kermit and Miss Piggie.  I just can't.

I've got to find a way out of this place. 

Bin Laden's Diary Part 6

September 13, 2007

Dear Diary,

There was a knock at the door today, and it was a couple of evangelical Christians. Normally, I would have shooed the infidels away and shot my guards for letting them get this close, but we were getting low on hostages, so I let them in.

Just as they were handing me some of their Literature of the Great Satan, I heard the call to prayer, so I spread out my rug and hit the deck. All the while, they was giggling and yucking it up.

Boy, but Allah must have pretty poor coverage on his network. Just one tower in Mecca?

Better off just subscribing to Verizon. Can you hear me now, Allah? Can you hear me now, Allah? Nope, just a few more degrees toward Mecca. Can you hear me now?

And what’s with this five calls a day plan. Allah’s such a cheapskate. Our God has an unlimited anytime anywhere plan. Free roaming and universal coverage. Giggle, chortle, hahahaha!

Yuck it up, fellas. Real funny. Pair of stupid hacks! Speaking of hacks, once prayers were done, two hacks with my scimitar let them know just how comedic was their genius. No loss. Can’t imagine anyone would pay ransom on those two retards. Still, they were less annoying than Achmedinejad.

Bin Laden's Diary Part 5

August 11, 2007

Dear Diary,

Achmedinejad is getting on my nerves even more. He’s insisting that I host him for a few days here in Pakistan. The hidden imam compels me, or some crap like that. He’s still trying to sell me on his 6 step plan for martyrdom or whatever he’s calling that cluster-crap business model he keeps e-mailing me that keeps getting filtered straight to my ‘Dispose of this stupid craptastic Shiite crap immediately’ folder. Thank you, MSN.

Since I never responded to his spam, he sent this scrawny fellow directly to me with a hand-written request that I welcome him to my home for a presentation. Then he tacked on a rider with a list of demands regarding his accommodations and dressing room and Shiite. The guy must think he’s Katie freakin’ Perry or Lady Googoo Achmed or something. I mean, Mohammed H. Prophet. Check out some of the stuff he wants.

• One 24 ounce bottle of Johnson and Johnson’s Baby Oil, 24 white roses and a baby seal
• Unlimited falafel. Must be cooked in lard
• A variety of tin foil hats. Must be made of real tin foil, not the Reynold’s American substitute that was designed by the CIA to allow the transmission of mind control rays.
• Shakira
• One pack of men’s athletic socks
• All items in the room must be covered in clear plastic wrap to be removed only by the artist
• No toy robots are to be allowed on the premises or he will not perform
• One small rhesus monkey skeleton
• Lots of fish ice
• Three jewish princesses
• A scrying device
• No MSG
• The first three seasons of Sesame Street in a betamax format
• Jack Bauer’s head on a platter

Allah forgive me, but I’m hoping some SEALS take him out soon.

August 12, 2007

Dear Diary,

I just returned Achmedinejad’s messenger to him by UPS ground. I really like their ‘If it fits in the box it ships for only $9.99’ policy. We’ll see if Achmedinejad shows up next week or not. He’s a little guy. I bet he’d fit in the $6.99 box.