Camera shot: TED (head of R&D at Veridian Dynamics) and VERONICA (Ted's boss) walking down the aisle between the cubicles.
VERONICA: We've got a new project from Corporate. They want you to find a way to get cow milk from an animal that's not a cow. A rat, a dog a chicken, whatever.
TED: I don't think we can get milk from a chicken. It's kind of a mammal thing.
VERONICA: I don't want a biology lesson. I just want cow's milk.
TED: If they want cow's milk, why don't they get it from a cow?
VERONICA: Corporate wants to undercut the global dairy industry and take over. It turns out people aren't interested in cat milk or horse milk or pig milk. They want cow milk.
TED: Who knew?
VERONICA: My thought exactly. Why would starving people be so picky? But, anyway, we can't undercut the competition by using cows. Everybody's using cows. We need an edge. And that's where you come in. You need to find the animal that we can use to produce milk most cheaply, and then redesign the animal so it produces cow milk. Can you do that?
TED: We can do that.
VERONICA: Good. Oh, but one more thing. The milk also needs to function as a high-powered liquid explosive.
TED (speaking sardonically to the camera): Of course it does.
Beginning of fake Veridian commericial.
Smash cut: Veridian Dynamics logo.
Commercial voice over: We're Veridian Dynamics. You may have heard of us, but you may not be aware of the many products we make, and that's probably be a good thing.
Smash cut: Picture of a meadow filled with beautiful flora and fauna.
Commercial voice over: Nature has created many beautiful and wonderous things.
Smash cut: Rapid slideshow of lions tearing apart a zebra, a naked mole rat, a chimpanzee attacking a helpless woman, etc.
Commercial voice over: But nature can also be harsh and ugly. We at Veridian Dynamcis would like to change all that.
Smash cut: Picture of happy, well groomed scientists in a lab.
Commercial voice over: Through the marvels of genetic engineering, we can tranform what is ugly about nature into a thing of beauty.
Smash cut: Veridian dynamics logo.
Commerical voice over: Veridian Dynamics. Making the world a more beautiful place one cell at a time. Veridian Dynamics and genetic engineering... BFFs. Kicking nature to the curb since 1996.
Commericial Break.
Back from commercial.
Camera shot: VERONICA'S office. VERONICA is seated at her desk and TED is seated across from her.
VERONICA: I need you to give this to Linda for me. Tell her to start using it.
TED: What is this, exactly.
VERONICA: It's makeup, Ted.
TED: Just makeup?
VERONICA: Do you really want to know? You'll lose plausible deniability.
TED: Yes, then I think I really do need to know.
VERONICA: Ok, in these dark, recessionary times, Corporate has decided to make a play for one of the two industries that thrive regardless of economic downturns.
TED: Which are?
VERONICA: Surely, you know, Ted. The industries that prey upon the very basic fabric of human nature: female vanity and the male libido.
TED: Isn't that a bit sexist.
VERONICA: The market doesn't care about sexism. The market cares about what sells. And sexy sells, Ted. And this, what we have here, is sexy.
TED: Ok, what is it.
VERONICA: Here's what we take the market with. This is a special formulation that, when applied, will genetically alter the person's face so that the makeup is permanent. Get the base the way you want it, the lipstick, the rouge, the mascara.. done. You never have to wash it off. You never have to reapply it. You're beautiful forever. No more waking up after a one-night stand and rushing to the bathroom to put your face back on. No more wasted time every morning and night.
TED: The only problem is that this is illegal.
VERONICA: Just because we lost a legal battle doesn't mean we lost the war. I just shipped off samples to all the Congressmens' wives and mistresses, and I sent some to Barney Frank for good measure. Of course, these samples are only partially permanent. When they wear off and the women want more, the laws will change in our favor, and we need to be ready when they do. You need to convince Linda to try it, and once she sees how good it works, she'll have no problem recruiting employees to run the safety protocols under the table.
TED: I just don't feel good about this.
VERONICA: Don't do this to me, Ted. The stuff is safe. We've run all the animal testing. You know that saying about putting lipstick on a pig? Completely false. Those pigs looked fabulous! If I were a lesbian, I'd be tempted to take one home with me, and I think Lem is completely smitten with Violet.
Smash cut: LEM in the lab, nuzzling nose to nose with Violet the made-up pig.
LEM: I finally understand what Kermit saw in Miss Piggy. Yes I do. Yes I do.
Smash cut: Back to VERONICA'S office.
TED: I'm sorry. If you want Linda to do this, you'll have to convince her yourself. I'm washing my hands of it.
(TED gets up and leaves office)
VERONICA: Drat.
Camera shot: VERONICA is conversing with LINDA outside LINDA'S cubicle.
LINDA: Absolutely not!
VERONICA: If you'd just come to the lab with me and see the pigs, you'd be completely on board with this.
LINDA: If it's such a great idea, why don't you try it?
VERONICA: Oh, I never wear makeup. I look this good naturally. You, on the other hand...
LINDA: Have you ever heard the phrase: You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar?
VERONICA: And you can catch even more flies with a Veridian fly trap. Chock full of pheromones. (thinks) Maybe we could put pheromones in this formulation. Give it that extra zing. But you can't change the subject that easily. Back to you testing this for me.
LINDA: I oversee testing at this facility. I've seen what happens to the test subjects. Absolutely nothing formulated here is going on my body
.
VERONICA: We've done our due diligence. It's completely safe, and completely reversible. We've been formulating the removal cream in parallel. It's key to the product. Styles change every few years, and the makeup has to be removable and replaceable.
LINDA: Yeah, that stuff will go on my face when pigs fly.
VERONICA (quickly shaking LINDA'S hand and smiles): Deal.
Smash cut: VERONICA and LINDA standing in observatory.
VERONICA (motioning out wall window): Keep watching.
Sound of cannon followed by pig squeal. Pig can be seen flying past the window into the distance.
VERONICA: We found out a long time ago that all pigs can fly. It's just a matter of giving them the right thrust. (Drops vials into LINDA'S hands.) I expect you to look ravishing tomorrow.
Smash cut: to the lab. PHIL is working at bench. LEM walks up to him.
LEM (worried): Phil, have you seen Violet?
PHIL (glances at watch): No, but I imagine she's somewhere over Wisconsin right about now. This is one more example of why we don't name the test animals.
Fade Out
Commerical Break
Fade in:
Camera Shot: VERONICA'S office. LINDA comes storming in.
LINDA: You've created a monster!
VERONICA: That's not a monster. It's a Homegrown Home Security System. Works great. Now if we could only get it to distinguish between rapists and children.
LINDA: I mean me! You've made me into a monster!
VERONICA: Why are you bringing this to me? Don't you usually talk about these little issues with Ted?
LINDA: Oh no. This is way too embarrassing to take to Ted. As a matter of fact, Ted must never know about this. But it's your fault anyway! You did this to me!
VERONICA: I don't see why you're wasting my time. You look better than you ever have. So good, in fact, that I bet you could convince Ted to abandon his silly 'one-office-affair' rule.
LINDA (flattered): Well, thank you.
VERONICA: And he would have my blessing.
LINDA: Thank you again. But, no. My face isn't the problem.
VERONICA: Well, not anymore. You want to be our spokesperson?
LINDA: No, I.....Other things are happening to me. Bad things......
VERONICA (impatiently): Yes.
LINDA: I'm growing eyebrows and eyelashes.
VERONICA: Yes you have. And they look fabulous.
LINDA: No. Stop doing that. I'm growing what appear to be eyebrows and eyelashes.....
VERONICA: Yes.
LINDA (embarrassed): They're growing, well....they're growing... right above each of my ..... nipples. And they are long and luxurious.
VERONICA (reaches across desk, pulls forward LINDA'S blouse and peers down): That's almost a unibrow.
LINDA: What? (peers down herself) It's getting worse. At this rate, I'll be Sasquatch by the end of next week.
VERONICA: That will never happen. There's hardly any Sasquatch DNA in that formula. Besides, you should be thanking me. In some South American tribes, that is a sign of verility and sexual favor. To the Yanomamo you would be Dr. Ruth.
LINDA: I don't want to be anyone's Dr. Ruth. And that's not all. I swear that a handlebar mustache is growing out of my belly button. And there are two great big rosy red cheeks on each side of my abdomen.
VERONICA: Well, you'll always have a job in the parade business. Fat guys with faces painted on their bellies. That never gets old.
LINDA: Something's happening with my back, too. But I haven't dared peek back there yet. I need that removal cream.
VERONICA: Ah, yes. The removal cream. Well, some of the statements I made yesterday were a little forward looking.
LINDA: You lied to me about the removal cream.
VERONICA: According to the project plan, we were scheduled to have the removal cream ready to go when the product hit the market. But, based upon these results, this formulation won't be going to market. But that's good news. That frees up the budget for the removal cream so we can use it for the Homegrown Home Security System. (typing on keyboard). There. Done.
LINDA: But what about me? Can't you have the lab make me a removal cream.
VERONICA: Weren't you listening. We have no budget to make a removal cream.
LINDA: But this is your fault. Aren't you obligated to fix me.
VERONICA: I have no money for the project. My hands are tied. Maybe you can convince the guys in the lab to help you out, on their own time, of course. Sweet talk them. They both seem a little lonely.
LINDA: But isn't Phil married?
VERONICA: Technically yes.But his wife doesn't want anyone to know.Bye-bye.
LINDA: This is so unfair.
VERONICA: You can always talk to Ted.Maybe he can get the guys to help.
LINDA storms out.
Fade in:
Camera Shot: .
LEM is working at the bench. PHIL comes in. His usual comeover hair style has been changed to the best replica his thinning hair can manage of an einsteinian mad-scientist hair style.
LEM (looking up at PHIL): You look absolutely ridiculous.
PHIL: Well, you better just get used to it because this is the real me.
LEM (scoffs): The real you.
PHIL: I found it hard to believe at first myself, but this is who I am. It must be. Everything we do here is evil. Evil, evil, evil. I have the brains to work anywhere I wish, and yet, where do I work?
LEM: You work here.
PHIL: Exactly. And why do I work here?
LEM: Let me guess. It's because you're evil.
PHIL: Exactly. You should stop living in denial. It is so liberating.
LEM: You know, the first time Ted sees you like that he's going to send you to the lavatory to comb it all back down.
PHIL: And I won't go. (Makes muted, inhibited maniacal laugh).
LEM: Yes you will. And you really need to work on that evil laugh.
PHIL: I know. I need something with a little more teeth in it.
LEM: Maybe if you were a little less inhibited and maybe if you were, oh yes, evil.
PHIL: For your sake, I'll pretend I didn't hear that. By the way, can I call you Igor?
LEM: No you may not. I'm not your assistant. We are equals. Besides, I don't have a hunchback.
PHIL: Fiddlesticks. Maybe Janet will let me call her Igor.
LEM: I doubt it, though I think she may have a hunchback. Let's go see if anyone has taken the donuts yet.
PHIL: OK.
PHIL and LEM walk across the lab to an enclosure that contains a scale model of a front porch to a house. There are flowers and shrubbery all around the front of the false house and porch. An open box of donuts rests on the ground in front of the door.
LINDA walks into the laboratory.
LINDA: Hey fellas.
LEM and PHIL in concert: Hey Linda.
LINDA looks quizzically at PHIL's hair.
LEM: Don't ask.
LINDA: What's with the hair?
LEM: I said don't ask. He thinks he's evil.
PHIL: I have to embrace who I am.
LINDA: OK, so what's the evil new project you're working on today?
LEM: It is decidedly not evil. It's the Homegrown Home Security System. Once we get the bugs worked out, it will help protect families from any of a number of types of home invasions.
PHIL: If that's what you need to believe to soothe your conscience.
LEM: The problem with the last design was it showed no discrimination. Pretty much tried to kill everything that came within range. But I think we've got the problem sorted out.
LINDA: You think you do?
LEM: Well, we're not quite sure yet. Everyone's too afraid to go in the enclosure and test it.
PHIL: By the way, Linda. Would you like a donut? Just help yourself.
LEM: Don't go in there.
PHIL: Sorry. (points to himself) Evil.
LEM: You are not.
PHIL: Who's idea was it to put the donuts in the enclosure to lure in unsuspecting test subjects? Hmm? That's right. Me.
LEM: You know we only let you put those in there because no one ever comes down here who is stupid enough to fall for that. Well, except for the mail boy.
PHIL: And quite frankly, we don't like him very much. Lem thinks he's stolen his identity.
LEM nods.
LINDA (rolling her eyes): Why would anyone want to steal.... Ok, fellas. Enough of the customary small talk. What I need from you two is the cure for the permanent makeup.
LEM: Sorry, Linda. No can do.
PHIL: Veronica called a few minutes ago to tell us that the budget for the antidote has been cut. But the good news is she gave us more money for the Homegrown Home Security System.
LINDA: There's got to be something you can do guys. Don't you at least have some sort of prototype?
LEM: I'm sorry, but no.
PHIL: Our priority was to get the product working, so we've got nothing. We never even started on the antidote.
LINDA: I don't think you understand the gravity of my need. You really do need to make me a cure.
LEM: Maybe if you talk to Ted he could find some funding.
LINDA (growling with exasperation and leaning in menacingly toward the scientists. The scientist back away from her toward the glass enclosure, scared.): If one more person tells me to talk to Ted I'm going to rip off the top of their skull and punch them in the brain. I'm not talking to Ted! I'm talking to you! And here's what you are going to do! You are going to get into that laboratory of yours with all of your test tubes and your beakers and your geeky electrical zappy thingies, and you're going to whip me up an antidote!
(Suddenly the plants in the enclosure rise up and whip about violently against the glass trying to get at Linda)
LEM (gleefully): Look! Its working!
PHIL: It perceived Linda as a threat to us and it is trying to eliminate her. Good work, my minions.
LEM: Just like we predicted.
PHIL: Yay! Hey Linda, pretend to be a homocidal rapist.
LINDA: (She rips open her blouse to expose her torso). Look at me! You did this to me.
(The plants retract suddenly. PHIL and LEM cower from the sight. Then PHIL regains his composure quickly)
PHIL: OMGosh. Oh, I mean... (raises his hand with a muted, inhibited maniacal laugh): Just as I planned. (pointing to himself) Still evil.
LEM: You're not fooling anybody.
LINDA: Fix me! Now!
LEM: I'm sorry, Linda. As scary as you are right now, Veronica is still much, much scarier.
PHIL (nods head): I'm sorry, we can't help you. Wait a minute. (reaches into wallet and pulls out business card). Here's a woman that helps with my wife's hair issues. She's very good. Only, never mention this to my wife. She doesn't like it when I talk about her. Or to her.
LEM: But, I couldn't help to realize that in your current condition you may no longer be, how shall I say this, out of my league, and I was wondering... well...tonight is mother's bridge night, so I'll have the place to myself, and I could heat you up a can of ravioli and then maybe we could have a little role play.
LINDA (screws up her face in disgust): Sexual roleplay?
LEM: Well, I was thinking Dungeons and Dragons, but your idea sounds like a lot more fun. You can still be the Elven princess.
LINDA: Ew! I hate coming down here. I can't take any more of this full frontal nerdity.
PHIL (covering his head with his hands): Please don't rip off my skull, but you really should talk to Ted.
LINDA (screams and storms out)
PHIL: Maybe we could call the daycare and they can have a field trip to the lab. Little children love donuts.
LEM: You're still not evil.
Commercial break.
Fade in.
LINDA walking angrily down rows of cubicles toward Ted's office.
VERONICA intercepts her.
VERONICA: Great news, Linda. Its the taxpayers to the rescue again. Turns out the government has given us a $50 million grant to develop an antidote to the permanent makeup.
LINDA: That is so great. Do you think I'll be better by the end of the week?
VERONICA: Absolutely not. Two, three years tops.
LINDA: Three years?
VERONICA: The longer we take, the more taxpayer money we can milk this for, but don't worry. The company takes care of its own. Here are some coupons for ten percent off hair removal.
LINDA: What? That's all?
VERONICA (holds up a vial): Well, Phil and Lem are working on a new hair removal microbe.
Smash cut: Laboratory. PHIL and LEM are huddled naked and hairless in opposite corners of the lab.
LEM: Well, at least I won't have to look at that ridiculous hairdo any more.
PHIL: Its alright. I was going to get rid of it tomorrow anyway.
LEM: Your wife wouldn't let you keep it?
PHIL: Yeah. Right back in the closet with all of that. You are so lucky to be single.
LEM: Well, for what it's worth, sometimes you can be a little bit evil.
PHIL: Thank you Lem. Thank you.
Smash cut back to LINDA and VERONICA.
LINDA: I'll take the coupons. By the way, why is the government interested in developing an antidote for a product that never even made it to the market.
VERONICA: Let's just say that a lot of pissed off Congressmen's wives and mistresses have come through for us again. Praise Darwin for the American system.
LINDA: Wait a minute. How long have you known about this?
VERONICA: Since yesterday. Some of the higher ups and I have been watching you on the security cameras all day. You are very entertaining.
LINDA: Now YOU are evil.
VERONICA: What a very nice thing for you to say. (raises eyebrows coyly and walks away).
TED: I'm sorry. If you want Linda to do this, you'll have to convince her yourself. I'm washing my hands of it.
Fade in:
Camera Shot: .
LEM is working at the bench. PHIL comes in. His usual comeover hair style has been changed to the best replica his thinning hair can manage of an einsteinian mad-scientist hair style.
LEM (looking up at PHIL): You look absolutely ridiculous.
PHIL: Well, you better just get used to it because this is the real me.
LEM (scoffs): The real you.
PHIL: I found it hard to believe at first myself, but this is who I am. It must be. Everything we do here is evil. Evil, evil, evil. I have the brains to work anywhere I wish, and yet, where do I work?
LEM: You work here.
PHIL: Exactly. And why do I work here?
LEM: Let me guess. It's because you're evil.
PHIL: Exactly. You should stop living in denial. It is so liberating.
LEM: You know, the first time Ted sees you like that he's going to send you to the lavatory to comb it all back down.
PHIL: And I won't go. (Makes muted, inhibited maniacal laugh).
LEM: Yes you will. And you really need to work on that evil laugh.
PHIL: I know. I need something with a little more teeth in it.
LEM: Maybe if you were a little less inhibited and maybe if you were, oh yes, evil.
PHIL: For your sake, I'll pretend I didn't hear that. By the way, can I call you Igor?
LEM: No you may not. I'm not your assistant. We are equals. Besides, I don't have a hunchback.
PHIL: Fiddlesticks. Maybe Janet will let me call her Igor.
LEM: I doubt it, though I think she may have a hunchback. Let's go see if anyone has taken the donuts yet.
PHIL: OK.
PHIL and LEM walk across the lab to an enclosure that contains a scale model of a front porch to a house. There are flowers and shrubbery all around the front of the false house and porch. An open box of donuts rests on the ground in front of the door.
LINDA walks into the laboratory.
LINDA: Hey fellas.
LEM and PHIL in concert: Hey Linda.
LINDA looks quizzically at PHIL's hair.
LEM: Don't ask.
LINDA: What's with the hair?
LEM: I said don't ask. He thinks he's evil.
PHIL: I have to embrace who I am.
LINDA: OK, so what's the evil new project you're working on today?
LEM: It is decidedly not evil. It's the Homegrown Home Security System. Once we get the bugs worked out, it will help protect families from any of a number of types of home invasions.
PHIL: If that's what you need to believe to soothe your conscience.
LEM: The problem with the last design was it showed no discrimination. Pretty much tried to kill everything that came within range. But I think we've got the problem sorted out.
LINDA: You think you do?
LEM: Well, we're not quite sure yet. Everyone's too afraid to go in the enclosure and test it.
PHIL: By the way, Linda. Would you like a donut? Just help yourself.
LEM: Don't go in there.
PHIL: Sorry. (points to himself) Evil.
LEM: You are not.
PHIL: Who's idea was it to put the donuts in the enclosure to lure in unsuspecting test subjects? Hmm? That's right. Me.
LEM: You know we only let you put those in there because no one ever comes down here who is stupid enough to fall for that. Well, except for the mail boy.
PHIL: And quite frankly, we don't like him very much. Lem thinks he's stolen his identity.
LEM nods.
LINDA (rolling her eyes): Why would anyone want to steal.... Ok, fellas. Enough of the customary small talk. What I need from you two is the cure for the permanent makeup.
LEM: Sorry, Linda. No can do.
PHIL: Veronica called a few minutes ago to tell us that the budget for the antidote has been cut. But the good news is she gave us more money for the Homegrown Home Security System.
LINDA: There's got to be something you can do guys. Don't you at least have some sort of prototype?
LEM: I'm sorry, but no.
PHIL: Our priority was to get the product working, so we've got nothing. We never even started on the antidote.
LINDA: I don't think you understand the gravity of my need. You really do need to make me a cure.
LEM: Maybe if you talk to Ted he could find some funding.
LINDA (growling with exasperation and leaning in menacingly toward the scientists. The scientist back away from her toward the glass enclosure, scared.): If one more person tells me to talk to Ted I'm going to rip off the top of their skull and punch them in the brain. I'm not talking to Ted! I'm talking to you! And here's what you are going to do! You are going to get into that laboratory of yours with all of your test tubes and your beakers and your geeky electrical zappy thingies, and you're going to whip me up an antidote!
(Suddenly the plants in the enclosure rise up and whip about violently against the glass trying to get at Linda)
LEM (gleefully): Look! Its working!
PHIL: It perceived Linda as a threat to us and it is trying to eliminate her. Good work, my minions.
LEM: Just like we predicted.
PHIL: Yay! Hey Linda, pretend to be a homocidal rapist.
LINDA: (She rips open her blouse to expose her torso). Look at me! You did this to me.
(The plants retract suddenly. PHIL and LEM cower from the sight. Then PHIL regains his composure quickly)
PHIL: OMGosh. Oh, I mean... (raises his hand with a muted, inhibited maniacal laugh): Just as I planned. (pointing to himself) Still evil.
LEM: You're not fooling anybody.
LINDA: Fix me! Now!
LEM: I'm sorry, Linda. As scary as you are right now, Veronica is still much, much scarier.
PHIL (nods head): I'm sorry, we can't help you. Wait a minute. (reaches into wallet and pulls out business card). Here's a woman that helps with my wife's hair issues. She's very good. Only, never mention this to my wife. She doesn't like it when I talk about her. Or to her.
LEM: But, I couldn't help to realize that in your current condition you may no longer be, how shall I say this, out of my league, and I was wondering... well...tonight is mother's bridge night, so I'll have the place to myself, and I could heat you up a can of ravioli and then maybe we could have a little role play.
LINDA (screws up her face in disgust): Sexual roleplay?
LEM: Well, I was thinking Dungeons and Dragons, but your idea sounds like a lot more fun. You can still be the Elven princess.
LINDA: Ew! I hate coming down here. I can't take any more of this full frontal nerdity.
PHIL (covering his head with his hands): Please don't rip off my skull, but you really should talk to Ted.
LINDA (screams and storms out)
PHIL: Maybe we could call the daycare and they can have a field trip to the lab. Little children love donuts.
LEM: You're still not evil.
Commercial break.
Fade in.
LINDA walking angrily down rows of cubicles toward Ted's office.
VERONICA intercepts her.
VERONICA: Great news, Linda. Its the taxpayers to the rescue again. Turns out the government has given us a $50 million grant to develop an antidote to the permanent makeup.
LINDA: That is so great. Do you think I'll be better by the end of the week?
VERONICA: Absolutely not. Two, three years tops.
LINDA: Three years?
VERONICA: The longer we take, the more taxpayer money we can milk this for, but don't worry. The company takes care of its own. Here are some coupons for ten percent off hair removal.
LINDA: What? That's all?
VERONICA (holds up a vial): Well, Phil and Lem are working on a new hair removal microbe.
Smash cut: Laboratory. PHIL and LEM are huddled naked and hairless in opposite corners of the lab.
LEM: Well, at least I won't have to look at that ridiculous hairdo any more.
PHIL: Its alright. I was going to get rid of it tomorrow anyway.
LEM: Your wife wouldn't let you keep it?
PHIL: Yeah. Right back in the closet with all of that. You are so lucky to be single.
LEM: Well, for what it's worth, sometimes you can be a little bit evil.
PHIL: Thank you Lem. Thank you.
Smash cut back to LINDA and VERONICA.
LINDA: I'll take the coupons. By the way, why is the government interested in developing an antidote for a product that never even made it to the market.
VERONICA: Let's just say that a lot of pissed off Congressmen's wives and mistresses have come through for us again. Praise Darwin for the American system.
LINDA: Wait a minute. How long have you known about this?
VERONICA: Since yesterday. Some of the higher ups and I have been watching you on the security cameras all day. You are very entertaining.
LINDA: Now YOU are evil.
VERONICA: What a very nice thing for you to say. (raises eyebrows coyly and walks away).
Fade out and roll credits.