On account of I’m done tuckered out watchin’ little Jimmy and Hank wrasslin’ with their troubles with the womenfolk, and on account of I reckon all you other manly men could do with some advisin’ from a more sensitive soul like yours truly, I reckon I’ll hep yall out a piece. As you can rightly suppose by lookin’ at me, I’ve had some fair bouts of experience with the fairer gender. Whether it’s through my binoculars or the intertubes, I’ve had lots of free time to spend studyin’ these fascinatin’ primates. Just sit back and think of me as Darth Goodall, for a spell.
Now, most of the troubles what we encounter wrasslin’ with the womenfolk comes from the fact that womenfolk don’t speak proper English. The words keep spewin’ out in a constant stream, and the bubblin’ of the stream sounds a lot like English, but sure as shootin’ it ain’t. After years a studyin’, I reckon I’ve picked up a few things and am now learned at speakin’ woman as a second language. What we have here now is a Reader’s Digest condensed womanspeak to English dictionary. Hopefully with this as a guide, it will make yall’s encounters with these beautiful creatures more stimulatin’ and less stupifyin’.
Women Speak ::: English Translation
Yes ::: No
No ::: Maybe
Maybe ::: No
We need ::: I want
We need to talk ::: You better listen
Sure, go ahead ::: You’ll pay for this later
Do what you want ::: You better do what I want
No, I’m not upset ::: Of course I’m upset you freakin’ idiot
You’re very attentive tonight ::: Do you think of anything else but a roll in the hay?
Stop stalking me! ::: I’m just playing hard to get
I have a boyfriend ::: You don’t meet my standards
I’m just not ready for a relationship now ::: You don’t meet my standards
I can’t. I need to get up early. ::: You don’t meet my standards
I'm not interested. I'm gay ::: There's not enough alcohol in the world
Here’s my number. Call me. (giggle) ::: Here’s the number for Domino’s, you hick freak.
Now, granted, I don’t reckon most womenfolk can read what I’m writing here, but for the benefit of those few what can, I’ll impart of my know how to the womenfolk as well on account of they seem as stupefied as the rest of us. Now, first and foremost before all else, let me give you this crucial piece of advice. Don’t ever ask a man what he’s thinkin’. He don’t want to talk about it, and you’ll just make him a liar. This is somethin’ we all know. Most times, if women knew what we was ponderin’, they would never stop slappin’ us. But, for other needs, here is a condensed translation from regular English to womenspeak so’s you can know what we’s talkin’ about.
English ::: What a Woman Should Hear
I’m hungry ::: I’m hungry. Make me a sandwich.
I’m sleepy ::: I’m sleepy, so quit your yappin’ so I can sleep.
I’m tired ::: See above
I’m watching the game. ::: Quit your yappin’
Nice dress ::: Nice rack
I love you ::: How about a roll in the hay?
Care to dance? ::: How about a roll in the hay?
Can I call you sometime? ::: How about a roll in the hay?
How about a movie? ::: How about a roll in the hay?
Would you like to go to dinner? ::: How about a roll in the hay?
Love those new pumps. ::: I’m gay
Those shoes don’t match that outfit, dear. ::: I’m gay
Just who did your hair? ::: I’m gay
Can we just cuddle tonight? ::: I’m gay
I’d like to talk about our relationship ::: I’m coming out of the closet and leaving you.
Hopefully, this will assist yall in workin' out the mixed signals twixt the sexes, and transmogrify that verbal wrasslin' into the more beneficial hay-rollin' sort. This is Darth Bubba, beaming out.
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