Consarn it, but that Foxy News network is gonna be the death of me yet. They done and interrupted the Megyn Kelly for 'nother clip of Obama speechifying. Now our Commander in Chief is spoutin' off about how education's so bad on account of we need to have less tests in the schools. The correct vernacular, Mr. President, is 'fewer' tests in school. Boy howdy, but I's havin' a might hard time takin' this guy serious when he don't even speak english good.
Rightly seems like his self esteem has far outgrowed his achievements. Reckon that may be why he keeps hidin' all his old report cards. Musta he went to one of those touchy feely new agey schools where they don't have no tests at all and everyone's a loser and feels might good about it. Could splain much. I'd like to see me some o' those reportin' cards. Bet he got a smiley face in art, a star in gym and probably a "poo-flingin' monkey" in Econ 101. Splains a lot.
Bet he went on lots of field trips, though. Probably to that den of iniquity, the museum. Shouldn't be a legal place at all. All those drawrings and statues of nekkid folks, those busts of busts. Kids shouldn't oughta be seein' that junk til they gots kids o' their own. Gone and warped his fragile little mind, I'll tell you what. No wonder he was havin' those dreams o' his father, dreams I don't want no details of no how. Then, if'n the nekkid folks ain't bad enough, the museums put up those plaster things and call them dinosaurs. Can't be showin' this stuff to the youngins. They ain't equipped to tell fact from make believe yet. They don't know yet what that those dinosaur fossils was just a hoax cooked up by those Knights of Columbus to fool the Rotaries. It all just got out of hand. Everyone tryin' to one up tother. Then they have the gall to claim unicorns is fictitious. Boy howdy, which of those is mentioned in the King James? Dinosaurs or unicorns? I know which ones I believe in.
But I tell ya, field trips nowadays ain't what they was when I was a youngin'. We didn't go to no museums or ballets or dramatic readin's. They took us out to a field, duct-taped us to a tree, beat us with a pillowcase full of hard boiled eggs and left us to find our way back. Good, useful life lessons, and no nekkid folks and mythical beasts and tootoos. Learnt something new every year. Course, if'n I did this to Mr. Obama, he'd probably just cry. He couldn't even understand "My Pet Goat" when Misha read it to him at bedtime, so I don't rightly 'spect he's mentally up for such an elementary school challenge as a real field trip.
But you know what, Mr. President, is the real problem with schools today? I'll tell you what. Way too much of that sexy education. Boy howdy, but it seems like every tother day another teacher is gettin' in trouble about havin' relations with a student. What do you 'spect would happen when the sexy young Health teacher is talkin' all erotic like to the class full o' sexy young teens? Showin' them sexy videos and stuff. Pass out some rum and coke and it's a right old bachelor party in the classroom. I mean, shoot. I send Ellie Sue that one sexy video, and they put me on a list. And these 'teachers' is gettin' paid my money to corrupt our youngins. Not like youngins need any help with the corruptin'. These teenagers know just what they's doin'. With all those teen pregnancies, I reckon they must be doin' it 'xactly right. Shoot, when I was seventeen, I knew just what I was doin'. Absolutely nothing. I was one ugly son of a gun. And this is Darth Bubba, beamin' out.
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