Shhh. It’s Lactose the Intolerant. I think it’s time to bring a little high quality edutainment to this page. For the children. They just aren’t getting the proper training in the public schools these days. I blame the Republicans. But anyway, I’ve written a learning book for the kiddies. Here it is: “Uncle Lactose’s Intolerant ABC Primer for the Modern Grade Schooler.”
The Letter A
A is for Abandon. Daddy tries to abandon the cats. He tries to leave them behind.
A is for Afraid. Nick is afraid. He is scared. Daddy has been acting funny since his pills have run out.
A is for Automatic. Alex is practicing with his new automatic. He can hit the target every time. He won’t have to worry about the bully hassling him anymore.
The Letter B
B is for Botox. Grandma uses botox. She’s not really excited to see you. It just looks like she is.
B is for Bump. Jimmy likes to ride his bike over the bump. He likes to ride it over Sally’s head.
B is for Book. The officers book Jill into jail on charges of being a bookie. Because this is her third gambling charge, the judge will probably throw the book at her.
The Letter C
C is for Convenient. Mommy finds the new washing machine convenient. Washing the baby is much easier now.
C is for Creative. Kimmy is creative. Where most see a shoe lace, she sees a garrote.
C is for Cat and Cancer. Jimmy kicks the cat. It’s alright. Cats are evil and don’t have any feelings. Kids who kick cats are more likely to get ice cream and they automatically go to heaven. If you don’t kick cats, you might get cancer.
The Letter D
D is for Dot. Kimmy’s dress is speckled with red dots. She shouldn’t have been so close when she pulled the trigger.
D is for Dig and Deep. Jimmy is digging a deep hole. How deep does it need to be to make sure the bloodhounds cannot smell Sally?
D is for Drugs and Donuts. The babysitter loves donuts. She won’t even notice the drugs if you put them in the donut. Then you can stay up as late as you want.
The Letter E
E is for Evidence. Evidence is something that can get you in trouble. You must always be sure to burn the evidence.
E is for Empty. Mommy’s purse is empty. There is nothing in it. Maybe the meth is in her dresser drawer.
E is for Elated. Mommy was elated. She was very happy that Daddy had a large life insurance policy.
The Letter F
F is for Fade. The chalk marks on the sidewalk are already starting to fade. They are beginning to disappear. Jimmy can barely tell where they found Daddy anymore.
F is for Forage, Food and Find. Wild animals forage through the woods. They are looking for food. Jimmy hopes they will find Sally’s body.
F is for Façade. Mommy’s love for you is a façade. Her love isn’t real. She would trade you for a line.
The Letter G
G is for Genius. Jimmy’s plan to get rid of Sally is genius. He will never get caught.
G is for Guts. Wow, the kitty has a lot of guts, but not as much as Sally did.
G is for Garden and Grow. Pretty plants and flowers grow in the garden. We will plant Sally in this corner of the garden. What sort of flower will Sally grow into?
The Letter H
H is for Honest. Jimmy was not honest with Sally. He did not tell her the truth. It was not really Santa who was sneaking into her bedroom at night.
H is for High. Like a kite, Kimmy was really high. The crack took her much higher than the weed had.
H is for Harvest. Our fields had a good harvest last year. Last year we had a very good crop, unlike this year when the DEA took most of it.
The Letter I
I is for Impractical. Jimmy’s gym locker is impractical. It just will not do. Even dismembered, Sally’s body could not fit in there.
I is for Into. Daddy is putting the cats into the bag. He is throwing the bag into the lake.
I is for Insect. If you tell anyone what you saw, Jimmy will crush you like an insect. Jimmy will squish you like a bug.
The Letter J
J is for John. If his name is really Frank, why are the police calling him a John? Why are they not calling him by his real name?
J is for Jury. The jury is a group of people who will decide whether or not you are guilty. You must always make sure to pay the jury members very well.
J is for Justice. Jimmy escaped justice. He didn’t get the punishment he deserved. He had a well paid jury.
The Letter K
K is for Kidnapper. A kidnapper is really fun. He drives a nice van and always has the best candy. If you make friends with a kidnapper, you will find out how much mommy and daddy really love you.
K is for Knight. The knight’s mother was a hamster and his father smelled of elderberries.
K is for Know. Jimmy doesn’t know where Sally is. He has no idea where she is.
The Letter L
L is for Left. There was very little left of Johnny after he ‘slipped’ and fell into the wood chipper. Almost none of him remained.
L is for Lid. Jimmy nailed the lid to the chest shut. The lid stops Sally from getting out.
L is for Lied. Jimmy lied. He really did know where Sally was. All five locations.
The Letter M
M is for Mischievous. Mommy said Daddy was mischievous. He was very tricky. He had found yet another way around the restraining order.
M is for Multitasking. Chrissy is multitasking. She is doing many things at once. She is highlighting Lilly’s inadequacies, destroying her confidence, sowing seeds of dissension in her relationships, making her doubt her parentage and shredding her self esteem all while giving her a ‘free’ makeover.
M is for Many and Misplaced. Sally was broken down into many parts. There were many pieces to Sally. Jimmy was afraid he had misplaced some of Sally’s many parts.
The Letter N
N is for Nervous. Betty was nervous about her third grade talent show. She was afraid to perform. She was worried that they wouldn’t like her pole dancing.
N is for Nostalgic. Mommy and Daddy are feeling nostalgic. They are remembering the happy times from before you were born.
N is for Nanny. Nannies are magical. Mary Poppins was a nanny. If you want to see your nanny fly like Mary Poppins, try pushing her off the balcony.
The Letter O
O is for Only. Only Suzie can hear the baby’s thoughts. No one else knows where the baby wants to be buried.
O is for Owns. Jimmy owns you. You have to do what Jimmy wants. He has the video that shows what you did to Virginia.
O is for Open. Geoffrey forgot to lock the window. The window was open. So that is how Sally escaped.
The Letter P
P is for Puppy. A puppy is a baby dog. Daddy gives Harry a puppy every time he agrees to keep his mouth shut about Gloria. Daddy calls them his hush puppies.
P is for Plausible. Harry makes a very plausible witness. He is very convincing. That is because Harry knows that Jimmy has his puppies.
P is for Pure and Perfect. Sally is pure. She is very innocent and virtuous. That is why she will make the perfect sacrifice.
The Letter Q
Q is for Quid. A quid is British money. In England, that $20 hit would cost you 15 quid.
Q is for Queasy. Sally was feeling queasy. She was feeling quite ill. As she blacked out, she mused that her beverage had an unusually bitter aftertaste.
Q is for Quiet. The neighbor’s dog is quiet now. It is not making any noise. The neighbor children are weeping quietly, but that will pass.
The Letter R
R is for Repair and Remaining. The man will repair the wood chipper. He will make sure that it works properly again. He will clean out all the remaining bits of little Johnny.
R is for Real. The things you see when you take LSD are hallucinations. They aren’t real. But sometimes you wish they were.
R is for Raw. The vultures ate Sally raw. They did not cook Sally before they ate her.
The Letter S
S is for Sad and Sticking. Nickie is sad. She is unhappy. If Spot really went to the farm to live with his relatives like Daddy said, why is his tail sticking up out of the ground?
S is for Still, Stop and Snowman. Eugene stood very still as we made him into a snowman. At first, he wouldn’t stop shivering. Now he is very quiet and still.
S is for Sudden and Seemed. Uncle Phil’s death was quite sudden. His death was quick and unexpected. Only Aunt Helen seemed unsurprised.
The Letter T
T is for Triumph. Nancy’s plan was a triumph. It was a great success. A little butter on the stairs and Nancy was an only child again.
T is for Trick. “It’s not a trick,” said the angry magician. “It’s an illusion. A trick is what a whore turns for money.”
T is for Toes and Take. Toes are small. Toes are useless. How many toes must we mail to your Mommy before she will take us seriously?
The Letter U
U is for Ugly. Danny’s face is ugly. It is battered and bruised. Maybe next time he will listen to Jimmy.
U is for Useless. The computers at the school are useless. Bobby can’t get them to do what he wants. Bobby can’t get to any of the sites that Mommy grounded him for visiting.
U is for Unreliable. Kimmy’s glock was unreliable. It kept jamming. It took three tries to execute Geoffrey.
The Letter V
V is for Vast. The ocean is vast. It is very, very big. No one will be able to find the bloody hammer in the vast ocean.
V is for Volunteer. Harry ‘volunteered’ to be the mule. He agreed to sneak the heroin past customs. That is because he knew that Jimmy still had his puppies.
V is for Vulva. Tell mommy that when you grow up you want to drive a Vulva convertible C70 coupe. She will post it on Facebook, and all her friends will comment about how funny and cute you are. She may even buy you a pony.
The Letter W
W is for Weary. Rover is weary. He is very tired after playing with Sally. It took a lot of effort to dig her up.
W is for Worried and Walmart. Timmy is very worried. He is concerned. He never should have used the Walmart brand condoms.
W is for Willing and Want. Sally was not willing. She did not want to get in the trunk.
The Letter X
X is for X-ray. X-rays allow you to see through things. At the airport, they use x-rays to see what is under your clothes. Remember to tell the nice man looking at your x-ray that the things in the image are larger than they appear.
X is in eXtinct and eXist. If you cross Jimmy, he will make your family extinct. Your family will cease to exist.
X is for Xylophone. A xylophone is a musical instrument that is played by striking it with a mallet. Jimmy tossed me a hammer and told me to play that stool pigeon Kenny’s ribs like a xylophone. I don’t think Kenny was properly tuned.
The Letter Y
Y is for Yard. Julian won’t get to play in the yard anymore. The guards found Julian’s homemade shiv.
Y is for Yellow. Franky was yellow. He was a coward. Even though Kimmy was a girl and he knew her glock was unreliable, he still turned tail and ran.
Y is for Yacht. Jimmy took Danny out on his yacht. He took him on his fancy boat. Neither Danny nor the bag of cement stored in the hold will be returning.
The Letter Z
Z is for Zorro. Zorro was a hero who carved ‘z’s in things with his sword. How many things can you carve ‘z’s into?
Z is for Zoo. A zoo is like prison for animals. Don’t the animals look sad in their cages? I wonder if there is a way to let them out?
Z is for Zealous. Dick will be very zealous about making this delivery. He will do everything he can to make sure the delivery is done right. He very much wants to see Jane alive again.
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