Darth Bubba: Makin' That Love Connection

Well, it turns out some folk what I know was tryin' to meet womenfolk with these newly fangled intertube dating establishments. It also turns out, I reckoned, that these folk need a bit more than a womenspeak dictionary to make that love connection. I've perused their pictures and their little intro thingies, and I ain't too surprised at why the womenfolks are a runnin' in the wrong direction. They need some of our expertness. Take a gander at these and let them know what modification they would be requirin' to make good and sure they will be barkin' up the right tree in the future.

Lovelorn #1
Am ridiculously handsome, 28 year old male. Looking for women, 18-22, for snugglebunnies, cooking and housework. Lugging and toting skills are a plus, but lack would not constitute a rejectable offense. Only call Monday-Friday from 4 PM -12 AM, when my wife is at work. French maid outfit preferred but not required.




Lovelorn #2
36 year old, 8th level paladin looking for woman to go adventuring and fight the forces of evil. Must bring own costume, spellbooks and spell components. No hobbits or dwarves. I don’t swing that way. Would be willing to go to dinner or a movie (totaling under $20). If you want to contact me after 8 PM, don’t call since you might wake mommy. Knock lightly on the basement window and I’ll let you in.




Lovelorn #3
Am Tarooq. Tarooq’s one friend says of me, Tarooq, that am handsum and working hard and would make good in sacking. Have greencard but no visa. Need many womens for sex harem. Must be good look in burka. No fatties or infidels.




Lovelorn#4
18 year old male. Looking for that special girl who shares my interests in iCarly, Justin Beiber, finger-painting, sticker books, coloring between the lines, candy, Spongebob and playing outside. Do not like to clean my room, do my homework or take naps, but I can count to 20 if I take off my shoes and 21 if I unzip my trousers. Wanna wach me count?  Also, I have a cool van.




Lovelorn #5
Mysterious, 150 year old male seeking boring, angst-ridden teenager for melodramatic relationship. I've been described as tall, dark and pretty. I'm 6’0” tall, 6’10” with the hair. Prefer to go out at night. While I do have a minor drinking problem, I’m not an alcoholic. Slight Viagara-resistant sexual dysfunction due to lack of heartbeat and blood flow. And most of my friends and enemies will want to kill you. Allergic to canines. No Slayers.



Lovelorn #6
Single White Male looking for playmate who shares my love of rollercoasters. Must like bubbles, monkeys and monkeys named bubbles. Open attitude toward necrophilia a plus.