Uncle Lactose's Intolerant Arithmetic Primer: Beginning Story Problems for Modern Grade Schoolers

It's old Uncle Lactose again.  While I'm sure we all thought this foray into education was finally ended, alas, it is not so.  I've received a number of requests from parent's whose kids just aren't getting the new math they have been teaching these days, so I've been asked to help out with a math primer as well.  So here it is:

Uncle Lactose's Intolerant Arithmetic Primer: Beginning Story Problems for Modern Grade Schoolers

Problem 1:

Danny was paid $1,000 to deliver 5 kgs of nose candy to Jimmy.  When Jimmy weighed in the delivery, it weighed 4.84 kgs.  If this particular grade of nose candy has a street value of $400/gram, how many caps is Jimmy going to pop in Danny's posterior? 

Extra Credit: If this delivery had been weed, with a street value of $25/gram, instead of nose candy, how many caps would Jimmy pop?

Problem 2

Conner and Lashawn were arrested for shoplifting beer from the convenience store.  Conner stole a case of 24 bottles of Heiniken, and Lashawn lifted a six pack of Michelob Light.  The Heiniken cost $4.50/bottle while the Michelob cost $2.75/can.  How many hours of community service will Conner be sentenced to?  When will Lashawn be eligible for parole?

Extra Credit: How many cans of Michelob Light will Lashawn be worth in the joint?

Problem 3

Misty and Sasha both work at the Peekaboo Lounge.  Misty has danced there for five years and has made an average of $900/month.  Sasha has danced there for 6 months and has made an average of $4,000/month.  What are Misty’s and Sasha’s bra sizes?

Extra Credit:  Misty has recently upsized so she is now equivalent to Sasha.  The operation cost $7,000, and her credit card has an interest rate of 19.90%.  Assuming that she has now been switched to the weekend shifts, how many days will she need to dance before she makes a positive return on her investment?  How many days would it take if she decided to turn tricks on the side?

Problem 4

Winston has agreed to buy booze for Tyrone and James, but he will charge a 20% fee.  Tyrone and James are planning on a party this weekend for their elementary school graduation, and need three cases of rum, a case of vodka and a keg.  How many booklets of food stamps will they need to steal from James’ grandma to pay Winston for the booze?

Extra Credit: If Winston refuses to accept food stamps as legal tender, how many bones will need to be broken before he sees reason?

Problem 5

Carla is a 48 year old, five dollar whore.  Ashley is a ‘21’ year old high-priced escort.   Derive an expression that will predict the probability of contracting an STD from either working girl in terms of the number of their remaining teeth.  What percentage of each girl’s clientele are politicians?  Celebrities?

Extra Credit: For each girl, what is the probability that the contracted STD originated with Charlie Sheen?  Hugh Grant?  Elliot Spitzer?