Darth Bubba: Obama, the International Man of Mystery

Well, seems that Obama fella finally let the press see his new fake birth certificate, so's I guess we needs to spread some more rumors about him. There are a might plenty of odd things about him that border on the mysterious that just reek of anti-american conspiracies. Just what 'xactly is them mysteries, yall might ask. Well let me tell you:

1) How come, exactly, is Obama never seen at the same time as Aquaman?

2) Exactly why was he missing for seven days last February, and why did he come back two inches shorter and hairless?

3) Why does he sometimes refer to himself as Linda Goldstein?

4) Why did he give explicit instructions to the White House staff to never write his name backwards in red?

5) Why does the laughter of small children cause him to repulse?

6) Why has he never been seen photographed with a chicken or any kind of melon?

7) Why does he have an unexplainable fear of wallpaper?

8) Why won't he release the six months worth of e-mail exchanges between himself and someone known as Sauron?

9) Why, though being seen at the beach often, does he never put so much as a toe in the water?

10) Why, for the longest time, did he insist that Michelle and the kids wear tin foil undergarments, while he was going California style?

11) Why was he seen offering burnt sacrifice in the 17th floor restroom of WT7 on September 10th?

12) Why, if you look very closely at the Apollo landing photographs, can you see the reflection of Obama's full moon in the side of the lander?

13) Why, exactly, did Obama and Qadaffi use the same Brazilian plastic surgeon?

14) Why has he never been seen without wearing socks?

15) Why does he spit to the left and hop in a circle three times each time he touches a bush?

16) Why was he overheard saying the following to Joe Biden: "Kidnapping is such a loaded term. Think of it as surprise adoption."?

17) Why does he look out the window each night before going to bed and whisper: "Bonobo. I'm ready now."?

Remember, I'm just asking questions.

MIA

This is Julio standing in for Lactose the Intolerant, who will be absent for the forseeable future.  The FBI raided his place last night.  Turns out he's being accused of espionage.  Apparently he's been selling secrets to Canada and Switzerland: the secret formulation for Diet Dr. Pepper, Secret Antiperspirant, the secret to Oprah's appeal, the secret for looking fabulous, among others.  It was an awful mess.  During the cacaphony of the raid, Lactose panicked and tried to escape by flushing himself down the commode.   If it hadn't been for his big head.  You ever snake a commode?  Well, extracting him was kind of like that, and, wouldn't you know it, the Feds just left me with the mess. Typical government types.

Anyway, we're trying to get Lactose out on bail.  Donations can be sent to the normal place.

Help us Julian Assange. You're our only hope.

Darth Bubba: Deliver Me

Got tired o’ watchin’ that Foxy News Network, so’s I flipped it over to the AMC. Just in time too. They was showin’ only the most terrifyin’ film what ever got slapped onto celluloid. Done did for the backwoods and banjos what Jaws done did for the ocean. ‘Specially when you’s got such a purty mouth like I got. That’s right: Deliverance. I shouldn’ta done watched it again. Way too scared to shut my peepers, so’s I gots me an idea. I reckon what we’s gots to do is make sure all them hillbilly folks is good and satisfied so’s they don’t come after us regulars like in the film. To assist with that, I’ve gone and devised some pick up lines sure as shootin’ to help them hillbillies’ get themselves someone to mate with that ain't us. Spread these ‘round to all the backwoods areas. It’s fer our own protection.

• Didn’t I see that purdy mouth o’ yours at the family reunion?

• How bout you come back to my place? Maw said you have to be back by 11 anyhow.

• You know, I’ve never seen such a beautiful tooth.

• Boy howdy, but them green eyes sure do reminds me of fresh radiator coolant.

• Get in the truck, cuz….

• Sooeeeey!!!! Sooeeeeey!!!!

• Yer already my sister and my momma, so you might as well be my girl.

• Are you gonna come easy, or do I need to get the duct tape?

• I haven’t seen a tail that fine since I lost my coonskin cap.

• Our lice really seem to have hit it off. Be a shame to separate them now.

• You really remind me of my first love. I reckon it’s that fleece you’re wearing.

• You know, in this light, you look a might like a plump, young Ned Beatty.

• If you and I kissed right now, we’d almost be sharing a full set of teeth.

• Women like you are what got me interested in greased pig wrasslin’. How bout I show you some of my moves?

Uncle Lactose’s Intolerant History for Urban Youths

Abraham Lincoln: America’s First Black President:

Contrary to popular lore, William Jefferson Clinton was not America’s first African-American President.  Let me tell you the secret history that has been covered up by ‘the man.’

Abraham Lincoln was born a poor black child.  He was the love child conceived of Thomas Jefferson and his house slave, Aunt Jemima.  Knowing the scandal that would ensue, the pregnancy and birth were kept secret.  Then, when little Abe was born, his parents were shocked to discover that he was as white as a little angel, an albino mulatto.  “Good lowdy, chile,” Aunt Jemima exclaimed.  “It is the chile that was foretold.  The chile that will free our people.”

“Then we will name him Charleton Heston,” proclaimed Mr. Jefferson.

“No,” pleaded Aunt Jemima.  “We must call him Toby.  Which means Kuunta Kintay in my native African.  But in the Virginian tongue, he will be known as Abraham.”

Fearing for the life of little Abraham, they smuggled him off to Harriet Beecher Stowe who took him on her underground subway train to Nebraska where he was raised in Uncle Tom’s cabin.  Uncle Tom trained him up to be a mighty President, training him both in the art of rhetoric and the chucking of spears.  He was a scholar and a warrior.  He truly became a man to bring balance to the forces of abolition and unite the races of America.  But as Uncle Tom watched the boy grow, he realized that even as an albino, he could not pass as white.  The eight inch ‘fro was a dead give away.  But there was power in the ‘fro, and it would not yield to comb or scissors or irons, so he stuffed it in a stovepipe hat.

So Abraham became the first African-American President, and the first thing he wanted to do was free the slaves.  But his cabinet said, “No.  You can’t free the slaves.  That would tear our nation apart.”

But Abraham, like all great Presidents, said, “Yes I can.  Americans are good and true.  They are too polite to fuss and fight.”  So he freed the slaves, and he was right.  There was a war, but it was a civil war, and America won again.  After the war, having completed his appointed task, Abraham faked his own death and moved to Kenya where he took up the way of the spear, becoming a great Zulu chieftan, and changed his name to Abraham Ngog!ne Obama, and the rest is history.

Darth Bubba: You Might be a Progressive if....

Consarn it, but them know it all progressives in Chicago is at it again. Now they've gone and made it illegal for kids to bring their own lunches to school. Parents can't not have a say in what their own younguns get to eat for lunch. I don't rightly member exactly what clause in the Constitution gives the burrocrats this kind o' authority. I kinda reckon its time to gets them progressive folk out of the seat o' power and relocate them all to San Fransisco and they can have the hippies dictate to them to their hearts content. But first, I reckon, we needs to elucidate just exactly who needs to go. I gone and developed a test to see if you might be a progressive. Take the test and pass it along to your guvment folks so's we can see who exactly needs a boot to the head. This in on the honor system. If you happen to take the test and dicover yourself to be a progressive, then give yourself a boot to the head on my behalf.

1) Bob has 9 candy bars, and Billy has one apple. How many candy bars should Billy
be allowed to confiscate from Bob?

2) Billy sees Bob eating something that Billy considers to be unhealthy. Billy
should:
a) Inform Bob of the repercussions of his unhealthy choice.
b) Destroy the unhealthy food.
c) Call the cops.
d) Force Bob’s parents to take a government sanctioned remedial
parenting/nutrition class.
e) All of the above

3) True or False – The Constitution should never apply as long as your idea is a
really good one.

4) True or False – As a general rule, people are too stupid and/or evil to be
trusted with freedom.

5) True or False – Human nature can be changed and utopia established by government
edict.

6) While running, little Sally tripped on the sidewalk and scraped her knees, hands
and forehead. The correct government response to this would be:
a) Establish the neighborhood as a ‘Run-free’ zone.
b) Retrofit all sidewalks with a six inch thick coating of space age safety
foam.
c) Require all children be equipped with child safety body armor before they
can go outside.
d) By government fiat, reduce gravity to a safe 1/6th of earth normal.

7) True or False – Most people prefer the relaxing, stress-free existence that would
be afforded to them when their moral and intellectual betters make all the hard
day-to-day choices for them.

8) If a child wears a Christian symbol to school or is caught praying or saying
anything positive about religion, the child should be:
a) Crucified
b) Stoned
c) Flogged
d) Burned at the stake
e) All of the above

9) Sex education up to and including proper technique and the location of the G-spot
should begin in:
a) Kindergarten
b) Preschool

10) True or False – The government should be allowed to confiscate any private
property or resources it wishes so long as the government feels it could put
them to better use.

Bonus: What is the best way to combat global warming:
a) Collect all flatus from both animals and humans in certified containers
and then launch the harmful methane into outer space.
b) Install mandatory CO2 detectors into everyone’s mouths and nostrils. Tax
them based upon how much carbon dioxide they exhale over the recommended
daily allowance.
c) Make volcanoes illegal.
d) Outlaw all carbonated beverages.
e) All of the above

Darth Bubba: Shhhh! You Didn't Hear This From Me..........

Been watchin’ that Foxy News Network, again, and was getting kinda tired of them showin’ too much of that Apprentice fella with the bad hair and not enough o’ that Megyn Kelly and Diane Falzone.  And that Apprentice fella kept yammer’ on about how Mr. Obama was really a muslim born in Kenya or some such.  Boy howdy, but I’m seriously tuckered out with this here rumor bout Obama.  Boring.  I reckon it’s high time we had some more interestin’ rumors about our fine Commander and Chief.  Here’s some I’d a like to start.  Spread them around real good now, ya hear.
NEW OBAMA RUMORS

·         He met his wife at a family reunion.

·         After watching Inception, he was overheard saying, “Didn’t Leonardo already die on the Titanic?  I’m so confused.”

·         Everything he knows about the economy he learned from losing at Monopoly.

·         He’s been spending so much time on the golf course because he and Tiger Woods have secretly traded places.  In 2012, they plan on selling the movie rights of their escapades to Warner Brothers.

·         He has yet to wash his hand since he met Justin Beiber and Justin let him touch his hair. 

·         His foreign policy decisions are based upon the secret, coded messages he’s been receiving in the Craigslist escort advertisements.

·         His much noted reliance upon teleprompters is just a ruse to cover up his functional illiteracy.

·         He doesn’t believe in twelve step programs.  He thinks they’re just for quitters.

·         He’s never been seen in the same room as Rupaul.  Coincidence?

·         As a teenager, he wanted to be a Nascar driver, but, unable to distinguish left from right, he kept turning the wrong way.

·         He spends most of his day hiding in the White House basement playing World of Warcraft.  Unbeknownst to him, but knownst to us, his love interest in the game is played by Harry Reid.

·         He’s not really black.  He just dressed up as Al Jolson one Halloween and really fell in love with the look.

·         He can talk to plants, but most plants refuse to acknowledge him.

·         Often confusing his Midwestern and Middle East policies, he almost ordered a bombing raid on an Omaha strip mall.

·         He likes his violence like he likes his beer….domestic.

·         For the first three months of his term, he kept pressuring Robert Gates to eliminate surfboarding at Gitmo.

·         When asked if he’d ever snorted coke, he admitted that he had, but that he didn’t like it.  The carbonation tickled his nose.

·         His initial plan to reduce the federal deficit involved dedicating $500,000,000 of federal funds to buy up all the state lotto tickets. 

·         When asked to name his favorite historical heroine, he replied: Columbian Black Tar.

·         He originally became a Democrat in an attempt to distance himself from his childhood nickname of Dumbo.  Unbeknownst to him, he was also referred to as a braying jack a—behind his back.

·         He wasn’t born at all but was made in the lab from the parts of lesser presidents.

·         When reporters asked him about his progressive policies, he said he couldn’t stand that annoying lady in their commercials, but she was better than the alligator in the Geico ads.  He personally used Allstate because they had a black spokesman who played a president on TV.

Dear Woman: The Manifesto of Conscious Men

In the name of Oprah, at last.  Some sisters in arms.  Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, oh, please, tell me this isn’t some cruel, sly onion-esque style joke.  Finally, some sensitive, caring men upfront and ready to admit to all womyn that they are at last ready to assume their role of little girls in the new matriarchy.  They were all so cute and submissive, I just wanted to squeeze them to death.  It was like they’d hooked themselves up to some sort of special dialysis machine that sucked the testosterone right out of them.  Hurrah!

I’m so excited, I’m announcing right now that I’m starting a seminar so we can all learn to follow these fine, fine examples into our new and well deserved roles in society.  Come one, come all.  We’ll be meeting in the break room at Babinski’s all day Saturday, and don’t be shy about bringing some of those beefy, meat-headed friends of yours that need a good dose of sensitizing.   By the end of the day we’ll have them fondling their inner women like gangbusters.  The topics for this weekend will be as follows:

Masculinity: Is it Really Just a Hormone Imbalance?

Modern Man: Stale Roles and Tight Buns

Why Men Don’t Touch

Mascara: It’s Not Just For Eyelashes Anymore

Size Does Matter.  (The Size of Your Heart, Silly)

A Beginner’s Guide to Bubble Baths

Emotions, Myth or Reality

Uterus Envy: Is it Okay to Want to Have a Womb?

Wonder Woman: Objectification of Women Personified or Inevitable Evolutionary Pinnacle

Freud Debunked: Deconstructing our Inner Phallus

Why Can’t I Lactate Too?

Exterior Decorating for the Body, Interior Decorating for the Soul: A Guide to Looking and Feeling Fabulous

Stylish Pumps for Any Occasion

Twilight: I am My Own Edward

Partners in Conflict: The Politics of Gender, Sexuality and Labor in the Chiliean Agrarian Reform

Radical Feminist Critiques of Third Wave Feminsism, Postmodernism and Game Theory

 

Shame on you Mr. Ryan

Oooooooo, but Paul Ryan’s budget proposal just makes me so hopping mad I could scream.  OMGosh and for the love of Tyra, how could he possibly expect us to take him seriously dressed like that.  I didn’t know that the Dollar Tree had a clothing section. Mannequins have committed seppuku when forced to don such an atrocity.  Drabulous!  Oh, and that hair.  Can you say Flowbee?  If that hairdo was the result of the special Senate Barbershop, then I’m all for cutting that right out of the budget, honey.  I’d rather see my tax dollars spent on an eighteen part Napoleon Dynamite mini series.  OMGosh, the stylist for that film ought to be strung up by his willy and flogged.  I tried to sand away the images, but they just won’t go away. 

But anyway, we must stop this Pauline insanity.  Our fashion future depends upon it.  No matter how dreamy that luscious, chocolate President of a man is (I bet he uses the Shake Weight every night), his laundry list of talking points just isn’t going to cut it this time.  Think much more apocalyptic, and spread the word.  I have seen the future, girlfriends, and the passage of the Ryan budget will surely cause the following:

·         The return of the beehive hairdo.

·         People will be seen wearing white after Labor Day.

·         Uggs will be banned.

·         All newborn puppies will die.

·         Salonists will spontaneously combust.

·         Instead of being cancelled, Glenn Beck’s TV show will be broadcast 24 hours a day on Logo, HGTV and the Fashion Network.

·         Handicapped children will be put in the stocks and laughed at mercilessly.

·         Gossip Girls will be cancelled and replaced with reruns of The Dukes of Hazard and Grizzly Addams.

·         Rebecca Black will be commissioned to write songs for each day of the week and all major holidays.  They will be broadcast nonstop from roving governmental blimps.

·         Physicians will form bands of roving death squads to execute anyone who  doesn’t have health insurance.

·         The Bush family will hide in your closet at night and come out to steal your breath while you sleep.

·         Poor people will be killed, broken down into their component chemicals and made into cheap homespun fabric to be worn by the wealthy.

·         Global warming will cause the entire Jersey Shore to become submerged in the ocean.  Surviving Jersey Shorites will be free to spread throughout the rest of the country, endangering us all with their nearly fatal Jersey virus, termed by scientists Douchivine Spongiform Encephalopathy (DSE), or, colloquially, Mad Douchebag Disease.

·         Flowbee use will be mandatory throughout all the contiguous 48 states and Alaska and Hawaii.

·         Senior citizens will be left out at night as prey to assuage the starving polar bears that have fled from the melting ice caps.

·         Dick Cheney will win the presidential election in 2012, and during his acceptance speech he will finally announce that he is indeed Lucifer.  But since the Republicans will have a majority in the Senate, attempts to impeach him will be futile.

·         And last of all, if this passes, we, the fabulously enlightened, will never stop whining and whining and whining……

Killers and Lawyers and Judges, Oh My.

Anybody else hear the story about the women who tried to get out of jury duty? 

http://www.nydailynews.com/ny_local/2011/04/06/2011-04-06_verdict_yer_a_joke_judge_forces_woman_to_eternal_jury_duty_after_racist_remarks_.html

On the jury questionnaire, she was asked to name the three people she admired the least.  Her answer: African Americans, Hispanics and Haitians.  The judge was furious at her response and sentenced her to indefinite jury duty.  Of course, he can’t really do that, so she just got sent home without her $40 for jury duty compensation.  But this got me thinking, just exactly how could one effectively get out of jury duty without getting the book thrown at them and losing their $40?  Which of these do you think would be most likely to work?

·         Come to the courthouse dressed as the Batman.  Or a gay cowboy eating pudding.  Either way.

·         Whenever the lawyers ask you a question, plead the fifth.

·         Ask if all of your personalities get a vote.

·         No habla inlges, usted.

·         Oh no, I can be fair and impartial.  I hate all races equally.

·         I love cats.

·         Wink at the defendant and whisper, “Call me.”

·         Quote Matthew 7:1 and claim you aren’t allowed to judge based upon your religious convictions.

·         Oh yeah, I can tell if someone’s guilty just by looking at their aura.

·         Look at the defendant and say, “Dude.  We missed you at the 10 year reunion.”

·         Answer all questions in the dark language of Mordor.

·         Tell the lawyers that your favorite movie is The Runaway Jury.

·         On the jury questionnaire under political preference list: anarchist.

·         Casually inform the judge that you can’t fully support any law you didn’t personally vote for.

·         Ask the lawyers if either of them studied under Matlock.  Because you hate Matlock.

·         I would be loving to be serve on this jury of the infidel.  Allahu akbar.  Sharia.

·         Apologetically get out your breast pump every 30 minutes.  You: “I’m sorry.  If I don’t nurse my son regularly, I’m going to burst.” Judge: “Oh, how old is your son now?”  You: “13.”  This works especially well if you are male.

·         Approach the defendant with open arms.  “Come here you.  It looks like you just didn’t get enough hugs as a child.”

·         Heads guilty.  Tails innocent.

·         Point at the prosecuting attorney, “Remember that day you found out you passed the bar.  Man, I have never seen you so stoned.”

·         Just start the day as usual with your three martini breakfast.

·         Before we get started, let me review for you all the prime directive.

·         Glare at the judge and remark stoically, “I know what you did.  The angels told me so.”

·         My name is Charlie Sheen.

Darth Bubba: Borderin' on Insanity

Been watchin’ that Foxy News network again on account of Ellie Sue had that gardener o’ hers install the privacy slats in that 10 foot chain link she put up. That’s a hundred dollar binoculars down the john. But anyways, that Megyn Kelly was sayin’ somethin’ about buildin’ that there border fence. Her lips was sayin’ no, but her eyes was sayin’ Oh yes, Darth, yes, yes, yes. I can tell this on account of I’m very astute at readin’ the womenfolk.

Now, it made me consider things a bit. I used to be wantin’ that border fence put up somethin’ fierce, but I’m not too big a man to admit what I may have come to that conclusion a bit too hasty. You see, Ellie Sue’s been using this Mexican fella from Argentina to do her gardening. Turns out he’s a real stand up fella. He was more than willing to rig up those motion sensitive cameras in Ellie Sue’s backyard the next time he goes on over to trim up the bushes. After our amenable transaction, I thought mebee I’d a judged these Mexican folk a bit too harshly.

Then I recalled noticin’ that that hippy family down the road apiece always corralled their sickly hippy youngins into the house when the gardener was about. Then I realized somethin’. I don’t rightly recall ever hearin’ nothing about bothersome hippy infestations in Mexico. Mebee the problem ain’t that we have too many illegal Mexicans. Mebee the problem is that we don’t have enough. That’s when it struck me clear as Zima. Where are most folks complainin’ the most about too many illegal Mexicans? California. Which state of the nation boasts the highest amounts of filthy hippies? California. We’ve been duped. Who benefits? That whole border fence thingie is a scam. A blasted, filthy hippy conspiracy. Those hippies are just aimin’ to keep out their primary natural predator, illegal Mexicans.

Burns me up, it does, bein’ taken in by hippies. Time to fight fire with water or dirt or mebee one of those new fangled fire extinguishers. Sure don’t want to fight it with fire. Tried that once, and that didn’t end well. Turns out fire don’t put out fire so much. Just makes more fire. Bet those filthy hippies started that sayin’. Stupid hippies. Probably thought it up while they was all trippin’ on LDS.

But anyways, I recollect it’s like when we had that infestation of cats, so’s we brought in those timber rattlers to take care of the cat menace. Then we brought in those mongoose thingies to deal with the snakes and then the dingos to take care of the mongooses. Worked out wicked good. We can take care of the dingos ourselves, and only lose a few babies a year. Circle of life.

So’s I reckon what we are in need of is not a fence on the border of Mexico but a fence on the border of California. Let the Mexicans come across the border into us regular states to chase all the hippies back behind the California fence and problem solved. Contain the crazy. Then don’t let nobody out of the state no how until they can prove that their dehippification is complete. They created the fiscal mess that is California, and now they’s aimin’ to escape their consequences and spread the crazy elsewhere. Don’t let none of them out til they fix the crazy.

Then, of course, we may need to consider who is the Mexicans’ natural predator so’s us regular folk ain’t overrun. What place did those conquistadors come from? Conquistadomenia? Is that in Cuba now? I reckon I’ll have to have Bobby Jo check that intertube thingie for me. And this is Darth Bubba, beamin’ out.